A Day In The Life Of Fred Weasley
by JuicyJuice
Summary: A crazy little fic. It doesn't take place at any particular time in the series...just read it, it's funny.
1. Voldemort Feels Pretty

Author's Note: This is a crazy little thing I wrote when I was in a good mood and had nothing to do. It is barely coherent, but I enjoyed it. It does not take place at any time in particular. I hope it makes you laugh!  
  
"What's up?" said Fred to George one day when they had (miraculously or unfortunately, depending on where you are standing) run out of ideas to torment their peers and professors. They were sitting in their dormitory.  
"No me gusta mis zapatos verdes," said George casually, "Y tu?" He began to shake some maracas while "La Bamba" played from somewhere in the vicinity of Harry Potter's scar (Harry had randomly appeared moments before. Hadn't you noticed?)  
Though Fred and George were brothers and best friends, Fred felt that today they did not understand each other.  
"I feel that we are not understanding each other," he said.  
"I have never understood you," said Harry.  
"No, I wasn't talking to you," said Fred.  
"Oh, never mind then. . ." Harry said vaguely. He then flung himself out the window and hung on only long enough to say, "Fly you fools!" before dropping into the outstretched arms of a dementor in hot pink robes.  
"Um, Harry?" said Fred, "Are you-"  
"I feel. . .happy," said Harry, and he skipped off to go snog Ginny.  
George, by this time, was doing his interpretive version of the Macarena.  
"I really don't understand you!" said Fred.  
"Lo siento," George replied merrily, "Pero no hablo espanol. . .I mean-No hablo English, that's right. Now, perdon, necessito un snog con. . .someone. Adios!" He ran out the door.  
Fred sat on his bed contemplating the meaning of life for a while, but soon a clanking noise interrupted his deep thoughts.  
"Ebeneeeeeezer," a deep, echoing voice said from under the bed. The clanking sound continued.  
"Who?"  
"Ebeneeeeezer Scroooooooooge. I am Jacob Maaarley," said the voice. Fred puzzled over this for a few years and then said:  
"I am not Ebeneeeeezer."  
"Oh," said the voice, sounding mildly puzzled, " Never miiiind theeeeeeeeen."  
Fred contemplated these words along with the meaning of life for 7.82 seconds. Then Sirius Black walked in, looking lost, smelling of daisies, and reminding us very much of Johnny Depp.  
"You're supposed to be dead!" cried Fred.  
"Oh. . ." said Sirius vaguely, "Am I not?" he looked down at his body seeming genuinely puzzled. Then he quickly took control of the situation, did some complicated acrobatics and flung himself out the window. This reminded Fred of Harry, but he could not figure out why.  
"Professor Binns looks like a potato," Fred said at top volume before running out of the room in a very girlish manner. He walked through the wall and into the girl's dormitory where he found Parvati and Lavendar who had just finished inventing a Lipstick-Applying Charm.  
They were singing off key:  
"Our daughter's daughter's will adore us  
And they'll sing in grateful chorus  
Well done! Sister Gryffindors!"  
Neither of them had noticed Fred in the room, nor had they noticed Voldemort behind them asking very politely for some lipstick.  
Then Harry and Ginny came in. They were waltzing serenely to the music coming out of Harry's scar and they seemed not to notice when they knocked over several pieces of furniture and crashed into a wall.  
When Voldemort saw Harry he got so mad that he began jumping on the bad singing "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. Fred decided it would only be polite to join him, but did not know the words. Instead, he began on his soulful rendition of No Doubt's "Don't Speak."  
V: "I feel pretty-"  
F: "You and me-"  
V: "Oh so pretty-"  
F: "Used to be together-"  
V: "I feel pretty and witty and GAAAAAAAAY!"  
F: "Everywhere together. Always-"  
V: "And I pity-"  
F: "I really fee-ee-eel-"  
V: " Any girl who isn't me today-"  
F: "That I'm losin' my best friend-"  
V: "Lalalalalalalalala-"  
F: "I can't believe this could be-"  
V: "I feel charming-"  
F: "The end."  
"SHUT UP!!!" shrieked Hedwig, turning purplish green with rage. She then ruffled her feathers and flew off to the Three Broomsticks to drink some whiskey with the other owls.  
Harry and Ginny had discontinued their waltzing only to replace it with a fast, complicated tango, to match the scar's music.  
Fred was quite enjoying himself, but when Crookshanks and his pasi of green mice came in, he felt it was a little too crowded. So, to the great dissapointment of Voldemort who had been thoroughly enjoying their duet, Fred went down to the Common Room.  
You may be wondering at the point where Ron and Hermione are, but I am not. I really don't care. Now humor me for a moment and pretend you care what's happening to Malfoy. . .or Snape. . .no, I can't tell you what Snape is doing. If I did, this fic would be rated R. . .and for you sick minded people out there, it's not what you think. Snape is a Death Eater, right now he is being murderous and violent. It is very gory, that's all. . .you nasty little pervs. . .  
Anyway, Fred decided to go drop by the Slytherin Common Room to say "HELLO!" to Malfoy. As he skipped down the hall whistling "Whistle While You Work" (from Snow White), he passed Professors McGonagall and Trelawney in a violent fist fight and Dumbledore, with his hair and beard in cornrows, humming the Harry Potter Theme. Once down in the dungeons, Fred gave the password to the stone wall ("I love Muggles!") and entered.  
"Hello," said Malfoy (the fan girls swoon), "I am the King of the World."  
"Really?!" Fred asked, interested.  
"Yeah! My Daddy's so rich-" he began.  
But Fred felt the need to sing, "If I ruled the wooooorld. Everyday would be the first day of spring, every man would-"  
But he was cut off by several feminist Slytherins, "WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?!" They began to beat him up using only their left feet.  
  
Ahem, Ahem. I was going to add a few closing words here, but then I decided I had nothing to say. I only ask that you. . .REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! Flames are welcome. I will laugh at them. 


	2. Ron Gets Some Pants On

Fred awoke from his coma in the Hospital Wing (where else?).  
  
". . .hhhuhmm?. . ." he said articulately. Madam Pomfrey was composing a ballad on the topic of fat, juicy worms, so she did not hear him at first, "Where am I?"  
"Worms, worms, fat and. . .Ah! You have awoken! You are in the House of Elrond. And it is ten o'clock in the morning, on September the twenty-fourth, if you wanted to know."  
  
"Gandalf!" screamed Fred, but the noise was too much for him. He went back into his coma for another month.  
"Woooorms! You are sweet!". . .  
  
Meanwhile, Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape (I couldn't keep him out of the story any longer as he is THE BEST) was teaching his class using a dashing French accent, which made everyone fall in love with the ceiling, except Hermione, who liked Ron's hair better, and Gregory Goyle, who detested French people. The whole class began to dance to a lighthearted, quick-paced funeral march, which was (you guessed it) coming out of Harry's scar.  
  
Ron was feeling PMS-y that day so he began to scream, "GET SOME PANTS ON!" to anyone who walked by. When he did this to Senor Snape, the entire class excommunicated him (except Hermione, who liked his hair). He decided to visit Fred. In the hall, he passed Professor McGonagall ("GET SOME PANTS ON!") and Mary Sue, who really didn't have any pants on ("GET SOME PANTS ON!").  
  
Many "GET SOME PANTS ON!"s and halls later, he reached the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey was absent from the room; she had left to pursue a musical career. Fred was the only person present.  
  
"FRED! GET SOME PANTS ON!" Ron whispered affectionately. Fred awoke from his coma with a start (wait a minute-didn't I say that Fred was in a coma for another month?. . .Oh well, after all, all good fan fics don't hang together) and began reciting his timetables with his eyes crossed, nostrils flared, and hands up in the air (like ya just don't care).  
  
"Why am I here?" he asked, after realizing he didn't know 3x4. And how was he supposed to? Hogwarts didn't offer math!  
  
"The Slytherin feminists beat you up," said Ronaldo, "And then they tried to burn you at the stake, but your feet were fire proof," at this, Fred nodded wisely and did a ballet twirl while sitting down (which is an extremely hard feat to accomplish-try it, you'll see), "So then they hit you over the head with Professor Dumbledore. We didn't think you would survive it."  
  
"Eureka!" said Fred placidly. He then cart wheeled out the door and all the way to the lake. For a few minutes the Giant Squid and he practiced their synchronized swimming until Percival Ignatius Weasel came riding by on a thestral.  
  
"Percival, my brother! Why dost thou ride on mid air?" cried Fred.  
  
"He dost not," said Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape, who had grown a merman tail and was swimming nearby, "It is a thestral he rides," Fred did not hear this monologue, however, because he shouted "SUPERCALIFRADULISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!" and disappeared. Snape, however, continued, "Yes, I have seen death. It haunts me wherever I roam. It was gruesome, yes. Oh! poor, sweet, noble, chivalrous Ichabod! You were such a great friend to me, and such a great. . .hamster! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I DIDN"T MEAN TO KILL YOU, HAMMY! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN"T FLY!" (I would like to take this moment to say that I love Snape. I make fun of him out of LOVE, and nothing else. To all you Snape-haters: BEGONE!). We now leave this poor, traumatized, fish-tailed soul to find our Beloved Main Character.  
  
He had disappeared from the lake and appeared in the Entrance Hall with an elaborate tiara on his ankle. In the hall were many assorted individuals. There were two girls hugging (like friends sometimes do). Fred saw this and jumped out the window screaming, "I am a Homophobe!!!! AHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
In a few quick moments the Slytherin homosexuals (and several authors of slashy fanfics) had him dangling by his ankles from the Astronomy Tower.  
  
He fell. Distantly, he could hear Ronaldo screaming, "GET SOME PANTS ON!" to innocent bystanders. Then, to the great disappointment of the aforementioned Slytherin homosexuals and slash writers, he survived the impact, though for the rest of his life, his nose was squashed into his head.  
  
Thank you for reading my lovely little parody. I hope and pray that you enjoyed it! Also, I understand that homosexuality is a very touchy subject for some, so I am writing this note on the end. I love Fred, but I said he was a homophobe purely for comedy's sake. I am personally pro-homosexual (though heterosexual). All of those who are not may go. . .errrrr. . .well, you know. . .themselves.  
  
I LOVE REVIEWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU WANT TO BE ONE JUST CLICKEY-CLICK THE LITTLE BUTTON BELOW!!!!!! If you review, I will read your stories (or at least one of them). That is the way it works. Flames are welcome. I will laugh at them. Much Love and Peace, JuicyJuice 


	3. The Author Is Not Funny

Frederick Weasley the Squash-Nosed was in the Hospital wing for weeks. His brother Georgiani Weasley the Frumd sat by his side the entire time, weeping and humming like a house elf on butterbeer. . .Speaking of which, Winky was now a millionaire actress. . .Anyhow, Mary Sue walked in and sang a song. Then she shot them both. They died. The end.  
  
(Sighhhh, I'm just not being funny today. I can't help it and I apologize. . .Okay, I'm going to try that again. . .)  
  
I lied, they did not die and she did not shoot them. It was an optical illusion. As a matter of fact, Mary Sue didn't even enter the hospital wing, she was too busy seducing Harry in a million other fanfics on this site. It's gotta be tough to be a Mary Sue. . .  
  
Unbeknownst to all but me (and you, my Lovely Readers) the Nile River was planning an attack on Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This plan failed, however, because it evaporated at the sight of the European gerbils.  
  
Okay, I give up on being funny. I'll try tomorrow. Goodbye now. 


	4. The Nudists Bite

When Fred finally left the Hospital Wing for the first time since that fateful day when he offended the Slytherin feminists and homosexuals within a few hours of each other, he wet himself. Then, following the family tradition, he jumped up and down yelling "Jebadiah! Mopboard!" for all to hear. All too soon, night fell, so he felt compelled to pet a moose. There were no meese at Hogwarts, however, so he settled for going to bed.  
  
The next day, Fred put some pants on. Then he realized he was an aspiring nudist. He took his pants off. Then he realized he was not an aspiring nudist. He put his pants on. The Slytherin nudists all came and bit him on his squashed nose. They were insulted.  
  
"Get away from me, you nabis!" he yelled at them. (Definition: nabis- a group of French artists. According to The Official Scrabble Dictionary of 1978) They all cried and flew away, singing "I Believe I Can Fly" in Mandarin Chinese.  
  
Fred smiled seductively at the clock and went in search of the Prime Minister, who was nowhere to be seen. He looked in Snape's classroom and found the professor looking very short and green. The students he was teaching were all looking very deceased. Fred wondered what was going on.  
  
"I wonder what is going on."  
  
"I'll tell you what's going on!" barked Snape, sounding very much like an angry dog. Fred looked at him expectantly, but he did not say another word. Fred waited for half an hour, but the short, green man just stared at him.  
  
Then Pansy Parkinson yelled, "I'm pregnant!" and Fred thought it best to float away stylishly.  
  
In the Entrance Hall he found Ronaldo, who was looking very sour and had a very tall top hat on. The two brothers had an intense debate on new scientific theories before tap-dancing out the door, arm in arm, into the sunset. It had been a very short debate because they didn't know any scientific theories. And how could they? Hogwarts didn't teach science! For many hours after that, no one could speak, except for those who had read a Jane Austen novel. Hermione, who had been too wrapped up in her studying to read good literature, was permanently traumatized. She had never gone so long without saying something intelligent.  
  
When Fred could talk again, he became a suicidal teenager and began to write poems. All of them were very similar to the following:  
  
I am a tortured soul No one cares about me I am becoming empty Because no one understands There is no joy left Death will save me From this painful existence  
  
Then Professor Flitwick found one of his poems in his notebook and began to cackle like a madman until he died. Fred never wrote a poem ever again. Which was a shame; he had such a promising future as a poet, don't you think?  
  
At Professor Flitwick's funeral, everyone hit Fred over the head with their tongue ceremoniously. Then they all spun around in circles until they passed out, except for Neville, who fell in love with an umbrella. Then Flitwick came back to life looking more camel-ish than he had before.  
  
When everyone woke up and saw the dead Professor living, they killed him joyously to celebrate his resurrection. Fred felt ill and decided to take a hike around the school. While doing this, he passed Dumbledore in the hallway waving around a large polka-dotted dress.  
  
"Professor?"  
  
"Yes, Fred or George?" he said pleasantly.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I am doing my laundry!" he said dejectedly. Then he smiled suspiciously, did a handstand, and walked away.  
  
Fred shrugged and decided that the grounds were a more satisfactory place to walk because he had less of a chance of running into mad professors. He bumped into Hagrid, however, who, without saying a word, dumped a bag of hair ornaments onto his head.  
  
"I HAVE EARS!" yelled Dumbledore wisely.  
  
"I'M UPSIDE-DOWN!" sang Hermione mournfully.  
  
"MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM!" I signed in Sign Language.  
  
And then Voldemort killed Harry Potter, once and for all. 


	5. Harry Dies Merrily And Fred Is Ignored B...

A/N: If you reviewed my story, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!  
  
And then Fred ate the animal cracker.  
  
The next day all of Hogwarts woke up in the middle of the night. They all knew, instinctively, that something had happened.  
  
"Harry Potter's dead!" said Pansy Parkinson.  
  
"Harry Potter's dead!" said Professor Vector (whose gender we may never discover).  
  
"Harry Potter's dead!" said Ernie Macmillan.  
  
"Harry Potter's dead!" wailed Ginny dramatically.  
  
"Harry Potter's dead!"  
  
"I have to go to the bathroom!" said Fred in a singsong, high-pitched voice.  
  
And then they all went back to sleep, except Harry, who was dead, and Voldemort, who was choreographing a victory dance.  
  
The next day, their suspicions were confirmed when they discovered his body in Professor Trelawney's classroom. It did not even comfort them when he sat up and greeted them cheerfully. Nothing could console them now that Harry had died. Harry had been so brave his entire, short life. Poor, poor Harry. The entire school went into mourning from that moment on.  
  
"Hi Hermione!" said Harry one mourning, "Why do you look so sad? And why is everyone wearing black?"  
  
"Because it's the school uniform, of course!" Then she gave a dramatic sniff and continued, "Harry was my best friend. I can no longer be happy now that he has passed."  
  
"Oh," said Harry, "I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon." Then he ate CORNFLAKES because he thought they were YUMMY.  
  
Fred was having trouble keeping himself from killing Colin Creevey that morning.  
  
"I AM ON FIRE!" he yelled at the poor, innocent professors before skipping angrily out of the room, sprinkling flower petals as he went. The Oompa Loompas danced behind him. Yay.  
  
At this exact moment, Draco Malfoy was sitting.  
  
The next day no one could remember the alphabet. Harry walked into the Charms classroom, but it was empty.  
  
"Where is everyone?" he asked the wall. The wall did not answer. It was a rude wall, "WHERE IS EVERYONE?!" Harry persisted meekly. The wall growled. Harry hit it with the blade of an axe, in a very submissive manner.  
  
"They are getting ready for your funeral," the wall sang in its lovely soprano voice.  
  
"Okey-dokey!" said Harry, smiling prettily. He ate a gummy bear. He went to go get dressed for his funeral.  
  
While he was doing this brave, noble, and selfless act, Malfoy was forging his own signature.  
  
"This is hard," he said, "I'll never get it right."  
  
"I'm pregnant!" said Pansy Parkinson shrilly. Then I killed her. Ha.  
  
After Harry's funeral, he went to visit Hagrid. He, Harry, was weeping bitterly in between mouthfuls of chicken stir-fry.  
  
The author must now take a short break to contemplate why there is a document on the wall written in Latin with her father's name on it. The author thought Latin was dead. The author is opposed to hanging dead things on the wall. It is yucky.  
  
The author wonders what a zyzzyva is.  
  
"A zyzzyva is a tropical weevil," said Hermione to Ron and Dead Harry the following morning, "I read it in Hogwarts, A History."  
  
They nodded knowingly, and exchanged knowing looks while eating a criminal amount of bananas. They then walked knowingly to Potions, where they knew how to make a potion and did it in a very knowledgeable fashion.  
  
The author wonders what a weevil is.  
  
"A weevil is a type of beetle," said Hermione to Fred, our Beloved Main Character, whom we nearly forgot about. Fred is mad at us. He refuses to talk to us until he finishes his tap-dancing solo.  
  
". . ." said Professor McGonagall wisely.  
  
"Thank you, Professor," said Crabbe and Goyle in unison, "We can always count on you for good advice." They ate her gratefully.  
  
Fred finished his tap dancing solo.  
  
The Slytherin vegetarians came after him. For no particular reason. They shot him. His last word was "zyzzyva" before he lost consciousness.  
  
A/N-I love you if you read this story!!!! I also love Snape!!!! Your next step is to REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! Yay. 


	6. Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape Feels R...

Fred woke up in the Hospital Wing. This was becoming a hobby of his. Sitting next to him and looking tearful was the whole Weasley family (including un-born descendents and dead ancestors). He screamed feebly, cackled madly, did his best impression of Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape, and quoted Edgar Allen Poe. He stood up.  
  
Molly Weasley, who had been having difficulties turning her nose blue, began to jump on the bed with her great, great, great, great, great grandchild Wolfgang, who had not yet been born. Then Voldemort, while enjoying a poisoned martini, made a grand entrance singing Elvis ("I'm All Shook Up"). He died. Then he died again.  
  
"I'm pregnant!" screeched Pansy Parkinson, even though I had already killed her.  
  
Then Fred took charge of the chaos that was over taking the Hospital Wing by running out the door yelling "Hotchacha!" Then he remembered why he had been in the Hospital Wing. As he collapsed from the pain in his shoulder, his tooth fell out.  
  
"I LIKE YOUR HAIR, RON!" was heard echoing through the hallway. It was Hermione. Forgetting his agony, Fred ran like a drunken Potions teacher far, far away from her. He had Hermionophobia.  
  
The author must remember not to give her sister too much sugar. The author's sister, we will call her Fridolpha, is running around screaming "KETCHUP!" Fridolpha says hi to all the nice little people who reviewed this story.  
  
"Aloooooha!" said George in his debonair Siberian accent to his twin. He began to play piano with flair that only a hopeless beginner could achieve with lots of practice.  
  
"I'm pregna-" began Pansy Parkinson.  
  
"WE KNOW!" shouted the entire continent of Europe and a few people in Phuket, Thailand.  
  
We leave our Beloved Main Character Fred to look into the romantic moment between Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape and Hermione Granger:  
  
"Miss Granger, you did your essay, I presume?" said Snape seductively. They were in the middle of a long and boring Potions class.  
  
"Yes, Professor," she said, looking deep into his beady, squirrel-ish eyes, "But I am having trouble with this Potion."  
  
"You are a Know-It-All," he said kindly, "I refuse to help you."  
  
They kissed passionately.  
  
Hey, it's about as likely to happen as all those other HG/SS fics I've seen (no offense to my lovely, creative HG/SS authors).  
  
"I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am," said Ron, "And I thought you liked my hair, not Snape's!" Then he cried Alice-In-Wonderland style until everyone drowned. Except that they all survived because Neville could fly to the moon to get help. Thank Goodness for Neville!. . .but why does his last name have to be Longbottom? I think that was intentional cruelty on J.K.'s part. . .  
  
So everyone was alive, but extremely wet and rather golden (Ron's tears had glitter in them).  
  
"It's MINE!" screamed Fred about nothing in particular.  
  
"What?" asked Random Person #4.56.  
  
"NO! It's MINE!" he screamed, looking melancholy and smelling of nucleic acids.  
  
Snape passed by, looking dreamy with a bouquet of roses in his arms. His hair was in stylish pigtails and he was humming the oboe part of Mozart's eighty-millionth symphony. He tripped on his shoelace and disappeared for a few days. The roses, however, remained on the ground where he left them. As they begin to wilt, the Lovely Reader feels the meaningful impact of it, which is: none at all. The author leaves the Lovely Readers because she has to study the evil, evil thing we sometimes refer to as Biology.  
  
And then Professor Sprout was assassinated. Thrice.  
  
REVIEW!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAH! 


	7. The Fan Girls Attack

A/N-The author is sorry for her recent lack of chapters. School is no fun and very time consuming. It is very hard to write a funny story when you are having no fun and you have no time.  
  
Fred was depressed. He had lost his best friend, whom he called Shistopholoph. Shistopholph was a very polite and patient rock and, though he never had much to say, he was very loveable. Fred wept dramatically all through breakfast. Out of loyalty and respect for his friend, he decided to grow a unibrow.  
  
While Fred was achieving this feat, Hermione was running with a large chain saw to her first class (Arithmancy).  
  
"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" she shrieked, near traumatized. As her footfalls and chain saw ceased to be heard, Ronaldo said a profound and wise thing.  
  
All who heard died of shock, except for Dead Harry, whose reaction was of a very different sort.  
  
"Ron!" he scolded, "You are the FUNNY sidekick! Not the SMART sidekick and not the WISE sidekick, the FUNNY sidekick!" He slapped him on the wrist and stormed off to be a moody teenager, tail feathers high in the air.  
  
Ron shrugged. He didn't care. After all, Dead Harry was dead. Why should he care what a dead person thought of him? He laughed. Hard. He collapsed. And knocked himself out. All his friends laughed at him. Hard. They collapsed. And knocked themselves out. I laughed at them. Hard. I collapsed. And knocked myself out. I looked around sheepishly _ and continued with the story. . .  
  
Ginny Weasley (who I have yet to mention) was debating whether to assassinate Hagrid's pumpkins or become a rock star. She settled for the nunnery. However, she got a glimpse of Harry the Handsome before following through with her decision and changed her mind, as all girls would have. They snogged for a few days and then passed out for lack of air. When she awoke all her brothers were in the process of hanging Harry for being caught with their little sister. "NO!" she cried, as Percival Ignatius slipped the noose over Harry the Handsome's handsome head. As Ron began making the rope go from slack to taut, Ginny weeped, "But I LOVE him! You can't! Oh, please my brother, do not wound me so!" This is the moment for the Lovely Readers to notice that Harry was already dead and could not possibly die AGAIN. I will allow you a moment to shake your Lovely heads in disapproval and make a note to flame me for my inconsistency.  
  
Ron decided not to kill Harry. They all did the Mexican Hat Dance like house elves on Butterbeer, except Ginny, who preferred to hula spastically.  
  
We interrupt their festivities and move on to our second HG/SS scene. I know you all want more of those (note the sarcasm)!  
  
"Oh Sevvie!" said Hermione (Sevvie?! Honestly, that's worse than Ronnykins! Please, people spare me!). "What?" he growled passionately. "Kiss me!" "GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" he said devotedly. "Oh!" said Hermione, "I wasn't talking to YOU! I meant RON!" She galloped off in Ronaldo's arms on a white horse. A look of profound relief came across the short, green Professor's face almost as fast as it came across the Disgusted Reader's faces. Magically, however, Hermione reappeared and they simultaneously ran into each other's embrace. Their skulls collided and they were both knocked out. Snape was fired for attacking a student. Then he was rehired because Dumblydorr remembered that he was a faithful spy. "My memory. . ." said the OLD man tragically.  
  
Ron continued galloping for several miles before he realized Hermione had disappeared. He cried pitifully. Then his numerous fan girls ran to give him a hug and he felt much better. He allowed all the pretty ones to stay for awhile at the school, which caused many problems like the house elves getting set loose into the wild to fend for themselves and termites eating the Transfiguration Wing, as well as many plugged toilets and Malfoy getting kidnapped multiple times for purposes such as making him model underwear or being their slave. From that day forth Dumbledore banned all fan girls.  
  
As a result, the Slytherin feminists lynched him while screaming, "Why just the GIRLS?!" Luckily, the poor OLD man managed to live through it.  
  
"I'm pregnant!" screamed Pansy Parkinson. Everyone pointed at her and laughed. She ran off crying to change into her Animagus form. Which was *suspenseful pause* A MONSTER!  
  
She roared, but nobody cared. How sad.  
  
Snape, dressed in drag, stood on the Gryffindor table and began to sing:  
  
"You better shape up! 'Cause I need a man! And my he-art is set on yooou  
  
You better shape up! You better understa-a-and To my heart I must be truuue  
  
You're the one that I wa-ant You are the one I want Ooh-ooh-ooh Honey!  
  
The one that I wa-ant You are the one I want  
  
Ooh-ooh-ooh!  
  
The one I neeeeed Oh yes indee-ee-eed!"  
  
Everyone who witnessed this assault on his or her ears fell to the ground twitching except the devoted Snape-fan-girls, who had snuck into the school. As he was singing, they were beating up Hermione for kissing him a few chapters ago and sighing dreamily simultaneously.  
  
Then Fred's twin brother, whose name I will not mention to avoid any embarrassment, went water skiing in the lake. For our purposes, we will call him Demitri. Then Demitri realized that he had no water skis. He fell down, down, doooooooown, dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. . .  
  
McGonnagall left to pursue a career in the culinary arts. Her peanut butter sandwiches had brought her a small amount of fame around Hogwarts already. 


	8. Hermione Lambastes With a Chainsaw

A/N: I have noticed that I've never written a Disclaimer so, in order to avoid many lawsuits here goesssssssss. . . Disclaimer: I own nothing at all. Not even my flip-flops. It's a sad world we live in.  
  
A/N continued: I am writing this with a smelly (literally) two-year old on my lap who is saying "Yucky. Yucky. Eeeew. Okay? Dat's better. I'm happy now. Okay?" over and over again. I deserve pity and, most of all REVIEWS!!!!!  
  
"I am Japanese!" said Harry. He began to cry. Nobody loved him. Except Ginny. Who was not there to hear his dark confession. The Japanese Slytherins heard him, however, and considered his weeping to be insulting.  
  
They, thinking they were cats, savagely scratched him and bit him until Hermione ran in with her chainsaw bellowing, "THE EARTH IS ROUND!" tHE POOR jAPANESE sLYTHERINS DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO. . .oops, forgot to un- caps-lock. . .As I was saying, they didn't know what to do. So they hastily invented a new, more accurate calendar, painted their nails, and sang "Run Around Sue".  
  
Hermione was overtaken with a bout of nostalgia, remembering her own calendar-inventing days. She forgave the Japanese Slytherins and allowed them to continue attacking Harry.  
  
"Hey!" said Harry, but it was too late. . .  
  
Fred loved potatoes. He ate them with his potato tea every teatime. The author wishes they had teatime in America. She also wishes they had good, British tea. The author cries at being so deprived.  
  
Then Dean Thomas entered the Great Hall. He had very big, very pink eyes that particular day. So large, in fact, that they took up his entire face. This scared Fred so much that he wet himself and jumped into Dean's arms.  
  
"I do!" he said, before realizing his mistake and correcting himself, "I mean MOOOOOOOOMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!" When he finished, there was complete silence, except for a few picture frames in Phuket, Thailand who were too oblivious to stop talking.  
  
No one knew what to say. Dean's pink eyes blinked and he collapsed under Fred's weight. Silence.  
  
Then Trelawney came to the world's rescue and screamed, "ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH SEVERUS SEBASTIAN STIDOLPH SNAPE?"  
  
Fred began to sing in Latin  
  
"Domine, Domine ad ad ju van dume Ad ad ju van dume Festiiiiiiiiina."  
  
"Can you get off me now?" asked Dean, whose large, pink eyes were bugging out. When Fred saw this he ran off screaming, "Cryptographyyyyyyyyy!" Dean blinked in time to the music that was coming out of Harry's scar. He was a happy kind of guy.  
  
"I like your hair, Ron," was heard from the hallway.  
  
"I love you, Hermione," said Ron.  
  
"I guess I love you AND your hair," she said.  
  
The entire Great Hall had heard this and they began to do a well- choreographed celebration dance, which included people swinging on ropes from the ceiling and Dumbledore discoing. Everyone was delighted (except the unfortunate, delusional, and misinformed H/H shippers). They all knew Ron and Hermione would end up together one day. "Finally," thought Harry. His thought, however, caused him to miss a beat in the dance and he crashed into Colin Creevey who crashed into Susan Bones who crashed into Kendall Watters who crashed into Eleanor Nott who crashed into Gregory Goyle. . .and eventually everyone fell to the ground.  
  
Then Hermione and Ron walked in and looking rather pink and extremely confused as to why everyone was on the ground and why there were a few people swinging from the ceiling. They stared at the people. The people stared back.  
  
Then Professor Sprout walked in yelling, "They lambasted me! Help! They-" but she tripped over Harry and fell flat on top of him. Harry died for the second time.  
  
Hermione got out her dictionary, not caring at all about her poor, dead friend. "To lambaste," she said wisely, "Is to beat severely."  
  
"Shut UP, Hermione!" Someone yelled, "Nobody loves YOU!"  
  
Hermione began to cry. Ron lambasted Someone and then killed him.  
  
Ginny was administering CPR on Harry the Handsome with desperation. She loved him so much. Sob, sob, weep, weep, boo, hoo. This is getting boring.  
  
So Harry lived, but Someone did not. They all went to Someone's funeral the next day. Ronaldo the Sheepish was feeling very sheepish about being Someone's murderer. He almost regretted it, but then he found a green tie in the middle of the hallway which brought out the color of his perty eyeballs. He ate 3.2 maggots in silence.  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione was lambasting the Common Room with her chain saw.  
  
"Wee!" she said, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
An then Lucius Malfoy assassinated himself while Mrs. Weasley turned Gothic. 


	9. Malfoy Is Rabid

A/N-I am eating bean sprouts.  
  
Fred woke up in the Hospital Wing. It was a very "in" thing to do these days. After all, Harry Potter did it all the time and he was an international best seller (his books, not him literally). Actually, because of this trend Dumblydorr was forced to rehire Madam Pomfrey, who had been doing very well in the singing business after abandoning the whole worm theme. You might have heard of her. Her stage name is Jennifer Lopez. Shudder.  
  
Harry, Ronaldo, Hermione (we will pronounce it HER-MOIN), and several other unimportant and unloved characters walked into the Potions Dungeon. They looked around.  
  
Snape was nowhere to be seen. Hermione began to sniffle tragically. She was going through an HG/SS phase.  
  
They looked around again.  
  
And again.  
  
And again.  
  
Hermione began to wail. Harry ate a cinnamon roll.  
  
"I will find him for you, Hermione, my sweet potato, my dearest, my honey bee, my teddy bear, my love, my shnugglebunnyslippers, my bean sprout, my glitter mascara, my wadowadowado, my killer whale, my coffee mug, my wristwatch, my nabis (group of Frech artists), my microbe, my marine fishy, my chemical compound, my cremation, my nonpareil, my irrelevant proverb, my great shiny prefect badge, my Mozart fan, my giant sneer-"  
  
"Ron?"  
  
"My. . .huh? What?" Ron asked, thrown off by the interruption.  
  
"NOODLE!" Hermione screamed. Harry began to eat the wall. They forgot all about Snape and began to walk down a hall.  
  
They passed Fred on the stairs. He was wearing a coconut bra over his school uniform and singing an awful song with no tune and unintelligible lyrics.  
  
"Hi Freddy!" they all said in unison, before skipping off in search of a white rabbit, pigtails flying behind them.  
  
"I AM A CONVULSIVE LIAR!" said Fred. He began to convulse in time to the sweet tones of the Drunken Lady's ukulele.  
  
Snape walked by at that moment and glared jealously at Fred's coconut bra. You, the Lovely Reader, may have noticed that he did not appear in the last chapter. This is possibly because he was hiding his head over an embarrassing incident involving him in women's clothes singing, "You're The One That I Want" from Greece and dancing like Shakira.  
  
Anyhow. . .he was jealous of Fred's bra. He began to scream, yell, and lecture at the top of his lungs about how only peeeeerty professors are entitled to peeeeerty coconut bras. However, no noise came out of his mouth. Fred tried to read his lips and even the Drunken Ukulele Lady, who turned out to be Trelawney, stopped ukuleleing, but all they could hear was a loud whistle that sounded very much like it was saying: "There are several rodents in your ear canal and a rubber duckie in your Achilles tendon."  
  
Pansy Parkinson's diary:  
  
I'm pregnant. I saw a very odd thing today. It was Professor Snape looking at one of the Weasleys and just opening and closing his mouth. It was just open, close, open, and close. I'm pregnant. Perhaps he thinks he's a goldfish. Draco does stuff like that all the time. Just yesterday, he thought he was a blast-ended screwt and he wouldn't stop roaring and burping fire at me. It was very rude. Today was much nicer; he thought he was a rabid squirrel. I'm pregnant. I have lost my feet.  
~*~*~*~  
  
It was the middle of an excruciatingly tough Transfiguration test that the whole Forbidden Forest was moved to tears. No one had a chance to figure out why, because the school began to flood. There would have been panic, but no one noticed, so they continued on with life as usual.  
  
Fred was swimming through the hall to the bathroom when he saw a wild, crazy sight. The portrait was moving! In retaliation, he stabbed it gently, yelling "FIENDS!" He continued down the hall. He was happy.  
  
Hermione, however, was sad. Malfoy had bit her three and a half times and Snape, her lover, had not done anything to save her.  
  
"I like your hair RON!!!!!!!!!!" she said pleasantly and then killed the Bloody Baron, who died in agony. But nobody cared. They were all too overcome with shock at Snape's horrific hairstyle, which I will leave up to the imagination.  
  
That morning, Dumbledore felt like a woman.  
  
That morning, nobody ate their cereal with green chopsticks, like they usually did, and Malfoy was running around on all fours yelling "MALEFACTOR!" and biting random spectators. It was then that Voldemort walked in, wearing a tube top that said "Jersey Girl". . .I mean, wearing a tube top that said "Antagonist," to help the Slow Readers.  
  
"WHERE IS HARRY POTTER?" he boomed in his squeaky, feminine, high- pitched voice. The whole Great Hall pointed at poor little Harry, who was asleep, face-first into his eggs.  
  
Voldemort walked over to him and poked him. Twice.  
  
Harry's head shot up, "Huh? What? What?"  
  
Voldemort batted his eyelashes and fell over.  
  
A/N-Even if you've reviewed before, REVIEW AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!! AND THEN GO EAT MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM (I'm so addicted to the stuff)!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	10. The Calcium Supplements Addict

We join Frederick Weasley the Ninety-Eighth in the Hufflepufff Common Room. The Gryffindors had boycotted their own common room due to the jigsaw puzzle infestation. The professors decided that the Hufflepuff Common Room was the place where they were least likely to get brutally stabbed, hanged, or fed through a paper shredder. They later regretted this decision when three fourth year Gryffindors and two sixth years were sacrificed in the Daily Hufflepuff Satanic Rituals. Fred was watching Harry make a fool of himself. He, Harry, tripped over Hermione and landed on his head. Hermione was not even there; she was in the library, which shows how clumsy he was. Frederick began to laugh until his belly button fell off. It bounced away.  
  
Bounce.  
  
Bounce.  
  
Bounce.  
  
Hermione was not reading peacefully, as one might suspect. She was hiding in a corner with a paper bag in her lap. Every few seconds she glared suspiciously around and popped something from the bag into her mouth. Ron walked by.  
  
"Hiya, Her-My-Nee! Whatcha got there?" he asked jollily (which is a hard word to say, try it, you'll see!). He grabbed the bag and, before she could snatch it back, he pulled out a plastic container labled "Calcium Supplements." Hermione roared as only someone addicted to calcium supplements could and grabbed it back greedily. "MIIIIIIINE!" she said, and then popped a few more of the brown, chewy squares into her mouth. ". . . ." he said, staring at her in amazement.  
  
She began to foam at the mouth, her eyes never leaving the brown bag. When she emptied half the box into her mouth, Ron felt it was time to say something. "Hermione?" asked Ron, "Maybe you should stop it with those. . .I think you've had enough for one day. . ." He then quickly snatched it from his dear friend and ran.  
  
She came after him on all fours, foaming at the mouth and roaring in fury.  
  
At the same time, Snape was having a love affair with somebody else's sheep. He only took his eyes off his precious love once, to watch Fred chase his belly button wildly across the room.  
  
"Malfoy, detention!" said McGonnagall. She didn't like his hair. Peroxide was offensive.  
  
In the detention, McGonagall was lecturing in-depth about the benefits of protection when Malfoy began to purr. She stopped mid-sentence to stare at him and the purring stopped. She began her well-rehearsed lecture on the germination of lettuce, when she heard him purr again. She stopped, but so did the sound. This happened several times more and it drove the poor professor to insanity. She hit him over the head with Dumbledore and jumped out the window while making historically accurate gorilla noises. When she hit the ground, Professor Trelawney's spastic teakettle whistled a merry tune.  
  
This occurrence saved three children in Managua, Nicaragua from starvation. To celebrate, I did a dance, and then went back to typing.  
  
Fred was taking singing lessons from Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape, the renowned opera star.  
  
"NO!" he said patiently, "There is a fermata there and it's a G sharp! And PLEASE try for a more legato sound; it ruins the tone when it's too choppy. Let's try that again. Ready. . .one, two, three, go!"  
  
"If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far. Don't worry baby. Just call out my name. I'll be there in a hurry. You DON'T have to worry."  
  
And here Snape took it upon himself to join in with they harmony: "Cause baby there. Aint no mountain high enough. Aint no valley low enough. Aint no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to yo-ou babe. Remember the-"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Snape screeched, "LEGATOOOOOO!" He began to beat his head on the wall furiously, in rhythm with the metronome.  
  
Bang.  
  
Bang.  
  
Bang.  
  
Fred made to leave the room, but he tripped on something small, brown and square.  
  
"What's that?" he asked. It was more of a rhetorical question, as Snape seemed in no condition to answer rationally.  
  
"It's one of Hermione's calcium supplements!" said Innocent Bystander #112489.  
  
"Oh-" was all Fred could say before Hermione herself rushed in, looking crazed with wild eyes and untamed hair. She was still foaming at the mouth.  
  
"Did someone say calcium supplement?"  
  
"Uh. . ."  
  
She saw the little brown square and pounced on it, but Ronaldo fell from the ceiling just in time to land on her head.  
  
"No! Bad Hermione!"  
  
"My-my precioussssssssss!" Hermione squealed as Ron dragged her away by her nose.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was standing on a table in the Great Hall doing a rather provocative dance, which made everyone have the dire need to stand on their head and stick their left hand in their right ear while eating a criminal amount of greenish-blue spaghetti with almonds on top. He stopped suddenly and announced:  
  
"There is a VERY SECRET D.A. meeting going in on today at 26:07 PMS. . .I mean, PM. Don't tell anyone! We don't want Umbridge knowing about it-"  
  
"Uh. . .she got fired a while ago, honey," said Innocent Bystander #2.9.  
  
Harry hissed, grunted, growled, and roared all at the same time, which is not easy to accomplish. He is very talented. Then he ate Innocent Bystander #2.9, whose last word was "WEEEEE!"  
  
And then Hogwarts Castle came to life and began to walk away from the Forbidden Forest and lake. It swam across some water, unbeknownst to the Oblivious Characters. Then it walked across Europe to Mongolia. It liked Mongolia.  
  
A/N-If you got this far, I love you. NOW REVIEW!!!!!! EVEN IF YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE!!!!!!!! Pwetty pwease? ( 


	11. Hermione Gets the Fanfictivitis Love Syn...

The cats are jumping, jumping, jumping awaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!  
  
A/N-Before I begin, I would like to answer some reviewer's questions:  
  
I think Voldemort's lipstick should be pink, red would contrast to much with his pale skin and make him look freakish. . .oh, wait, he already is freakish-red it is!  
  
No, I am not on drugs.  
  
Political correctness bugs me a little bit, but I actually just think it's funny when people go psycho for their cause and take offense at every little thing. That's why it's in my parody.  
  
I would love to use Genghis Khan, but you (Theaphelia) beat me to it. Therefore, the stay in Mongolia will not be long. We may have a few Confused Mongolians at Hogwarts, however.  
  
And now, on with this lovely thing I call a parody:  
  
It was an unusual morning. Eighty-seven and a half students had come down with a disease called Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, Ron and Harry included.  
  
"But that's impossible!" said Hermione, coming out of withdrawal from calcium supplements to correct someone, "Only GIRLS can get PMS!"  
"SHUT UP! AAAAAAH!" said the leader of the ex-Communist Mongolian People's Revolutionary Party (they were in Mongolia, after all, even if they didn't know it).  
"Okay," said Hermione.  
  
"Ooh!" said Mongolian Dude #1 in Mongolian, "Lookie! It's a pretty castle!"  
  
"Yay!" said Mongolian Dudes #2-9. They all went to take a look, except for #7, who needed glasses and walked in the opposite direction.  
  
Fred was walking arm-in-arm with Angelina in the Forbidden Forest. Of course, it wasn't actually the Forbidden Forest, it was a grassy field of Mongolia, but they didn't know that.  
  
"Angie? I think. . .I love you," he confessed.  
  
She looked him straight in the nose and said, "Yes, and I love mushrooms."  
  
"Oh, Angelina, I'm so happ-wait! What did you say? Angelina? Where are you going?" said Fred, his eyes crossing in confusion.  
  
"MUSHROOOOOOOMS!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!" she screamed as she disappeared off in the distance to find some mushrooms. Fred, loyal as a puppy doggy, ran after her. He found her lying on her belly staring straight at a huge, ugly, orange, Mongolian fungus and grinning like a maniac.  
  
"Angie?"  
  
"DON'T INTERRUPT US!" she roared. Fred stood there hesitantly as she made small talk with the mushroom for a few moments, but soon he decided to sneak away quietly while growing half an onion out his left ear.  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione was having a few problems. She was showing signs of schizophrenia, though Ron just called it symptoms of withdrawal from calcium supplements. Random, Innocent, and Very Ugly Bystander #46 ½ thought it was Fanfictivitis Love Syndrome. He was right.  
  
"Professor," she said to Dumbledore, "I LOVE YOU!" He stared at her for a moment as an abrupt change came over her, "AAH! No I don't! Help! I love HARRY!" She began to search for her dear friend like Snape when he's lost his socks.  
  
She found him somewhere near Filch's office, but by that time, she wasn't in love with him anymore.  
  
"Harry! I lo-hmm. . .nevermind. I love George! No, Ron! No, Snape! No, MALFOY! No, FRED! No, FILCH. No, FLITWICK. NO! BLAISE ZABINI! No, GINNY! No, Professor McGonagall! No, Dobby! No! THE BLOODY BARON!!!!!" She then passed out from lack of air.  
  
Justin Finch-Fletchey, who had watched this spectacle, licked an envelope.  
  
"Help! She's been petrified!" yelled Harry, kneeling over her body. He then touched her hand with a creepy fascination. Am I the only person who noticed that in the 2nd movie he has a strange and unexplained obsession with petrified people's hands?  
  
"She's not petrified. That was, like, SO second year," said Innocent Bystander #0. Harry's ears began to emit steam. This steam took the form of a little purple man. Innocent Bystander #0 and Purple Steam began to dance a tango so complicated that you couldn't see their feet.  
  
Ron, who was in the GCR (Gryffindor Common Room) began to cry for no particular reason.  
  
"Don't cry!" said Ginny, "Would you like a tissue?"  
  
"I'M NOT CRYING!" he sniffled, "My eyes just tear sometimes. . .and it LOOKS like I'm crying, but I'm NOT!" He began to wail pitifully, with his mouth paralyzed in an ugly sort of grin.  
  
"Here, have a tissue," said Mongolian Dude (Female) #2, but she said it in the language of the Mongolians while hanging upside down from the ceiling, as we all know Mongolians often do.  
  
"B-but. . .I'm n-not CRYING!" Ron sobbed. Ron spent the rest of the day in tears and denial.  
  
Meanwhile, Fred was burning several tons of mushrooms at the stake in the Great Hall while singing the alto part of the Hallelujah Chorus, but nobody noticed because things like that happened all the time at Hogwarts, and besides, they all wanted to watch the Snape/Hermione drama.  
  
"I must leave you, Hermione," he said, with a tone as if he was reciting Shakespeare, "We cannot be together. You are in danger as my lover and I would never let you come to danger by my hand!"  
  
"Severus!" she said, using the same tone as his, "I will not let you suffer alone! We are in this together and I will not allow you to make this sacrifice. I would rather live a short, happy life in your arms than a shallow, empty, unthreatened one away from you!"  
  
"Oh, Hermione!"  
  
They kissed, but not for long. All too soon the Anti-Child Molestation Society was coming after Snape with axes, hatchets, pitchforks, torches, arm chairs, and other household weapons. Thank Goodness, I say.  
  
Then the castle chose to walk quietly back to Europe. It had been a nice vacation.  
  
The Mongolian Dudes didn't know what they had gotten themselves into. . .  
  
A/N-I haven't written in a while, I know, and I'm very, very sorry. I've had a lot to do, however and I'm sorry to say that life takes priority over fanfiction. It's a sad world we live in. . .I just hope that I'm making you smile with my parody; that would make my day to know that I brightened someone's face! If you did smile, or even laugh, why don't you tell me so? And if I didn't, then you're welcome to flame me. I will laugh at you. A lot.  
  
No offense meant towards Mongolians!!!! Or mushrooms!!! Or anyone!!!  
  
Inspiration for my last two chapters goes to my family. They force-feed me calcium supplements and are obsessed with mushrooms to the point that it's scaaaaaaary. The even are a part of a Fungus Society. Lord help me. . . 


	12. Dumbledore is Dumbledore

"Ahem, ahem," said Dumbledore, standing up in the Great Hall and trying to acquire the attention of all whom were in his presence, "AHEM, AHEM!" He tried again, but no one listened to him. This might have been because it was 1:17 in the morning and no one else was in the Great Hall, but that is beside the point, "AHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!" he coughed for the last time and then keeled over from too much exertion and coughing.  
  
When he awoke it was actually time for breakfast and the Hall was full of people. He stood up.  
  
"Ahem, ahem," he tried again. This time everyone fell silent. This was probably because his hair had turned a bright green and was standing on end, "I have an announcement to make! We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! Professor. . ." he trailed off before he announced the name, comprehension dawning on his face, "I've got it! The average weight of a llama divided by the number of carbons in a glucose molecule minus the number of students in this school multiplied by negative pi equals. . .THE LENGTH OF SNAPE'S-"  
  
"Who's the new Professor, Professor?" interrupted McGonagall loudly with impeccable timing, but Dumbledore would not answer. In fact, for the rest of the day he would do nothing but dance across the tables in the Great Hall reciting "Four and Twenty Blackbirds Baked in a Pie."  
  
At lunch, Fred took a bite of his meat pie. Then the Slytherin Vegetarians came after him with swords and spears while riding balls of yarn that they had mistaken for rhinoceroses. In order to preserve his life, Fred gave birth to a colony of fleas. He raised them to adulthood and named them all Beau or Cleopatra, depending on how many legs they had.  
  
Harry was staring at a large, ugly jar of pickles. Then he got a brilliant idea. He took the pickles out one by one and carved them and propped them up so that it was a perfect miniature of Easter Island. He sat there grinning at them for the remainder of the day. Every once in a while he would stand up and shout "Sunni Ali!"  
  
Unknown to all until now, Pansy Parkinson had died. This caused some confusion and very many problems when her ghost began possessing people. For example, Ron had a lot of explaining to do when he danced around topless yelling, "I'm pregnant" and stopping every once in a while to hit on Draco Malfoy.  
  
Draco was in the Hospital Wing for days after that, with his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth, and babbling incoherently.  
  
"The Songhai Empire began as a small empire centered around the Niger River," he said once, "They began to really prosper when they took control of Mali and, in doing so, controlled the trans-Saharan trade. They mostly traded gold and salt with Muslim traders. This caused the spread of Islam starting first with the merchants, then spreading to the people and then, finally, the leaders. Previous to that-"  
  
"SHUT UP!" howled Madam Pomfrey. She then attempted to poison him, but he was invincible. So she gave him a large amount of Skele-Gro as he was going in-depth about the government systems of the Tokugawa. This did not help anything, however, as now he was Giant Malfoy.  
  
Then, suddenly, the author was overcome with a bout of Ginny/Draco and Ron/Hagrid's Pumpkins.  
  
"Draco!" said Ginny, "You used to be so EVIL. Why now do I see this sudden change? Have you always been so tortured, abused, and kind on the inside?. . .and when did you grow so. . .large?"  
  
"Never mind any of that, Ginger Bread," he said, with the glow of love in his. . . triceps, "We love each other and that is all we need!"  
  
"Oh, Draco!"  
  
They began to run around in circles until Harry looked away from his Easter Island pickles to say, "Yo, Ginny! I thought you loved MEEEEEE!"  
  
Ginny and Giant Draco stared at him.  
  
He stared at the pickles.  
  
The pickles stared at Mrs. Norris. [The name Mrs. Norris was originally in a Jane Austen novel. It was the name of a very greedy old aunt.]  
  
Mrs. Norris stared at SNAPE! YAY! I LOOOOOVE SNAAAAAPE!  
  
And then Ron and Hagrid's Pumpkins began to snog. Hagrid looked out his window and fainted at the sight. When his body hit the floor an earthquake commenced. This angered the Confused Mongolian Dudes. They did not like earthquakes.  
  
They stood on their heads in a well-planned revolt against Europe.  
  
Fred denuded. Look it up if you don't know what it means; I refuse to tell you.  
  
Flashback.  
  
Lily: I love you, James. I hate you, James. I love you, James. James: I love you, Lily. I love you Lily. I love you Lily  
  
********END OF FLASHBACK************  
  
"Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. . ."  
  
A/N: Lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! REVIEW!  
  
Author: (talking to wall) And I really think I need help because I'm having these weird dreams-visions, really, about Elvis in purple socks. Sometimes I feel lost and confused, and other times I like to eat carrots. And the other weird thing is that the voices in my head sing to me in Gaelic. What should I do?  
  
Wall: (wisely) Move to the grasslands!  
  
Author: Okay!!!! 


	13. Voldemort is a Polyglot

Fred was awoken to the sweet tones of Hermione's voice.  
  
"KILL THE CAAAAAAT! KIIIIIIIIILL! KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL!" she screamed, while chasing a poor innocent little creature around the castle. There was a crowd of people following her and trying to stop her, but it was not working.  
  
Only after they had shot her with twelve horse tranquilizers did she calm down a bit.  
  
"Hermione, why were you chasing that cat?" the crowd said in unison, looking at her with wide eyes.  
  
"It subjected me to a month or so of humiliation in my second year!" she roared.  
  
"No, I didn't!" said the poor cat, "I didn't do anything to you!"  
  
"NO, BUT YOUR HAIR DID! AAAAAAH!" It took seventeen people and a few more horse tranquilizers to tie the livid girl to a column so she wouldn't strangle the cat.  
  
"Hey! That's MY cat!" said Millicent Bulstrode.  
  
"EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!" said Hermione, "DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS?!"  
  
They all just stared at her boggledly.  
  
"Boggledly isn't a word," said Gregory Goofus Graham Gogo Gumball Garfield Glue-Gun Goyle in an odd moment of awareness of his surrounding. Then he began to sing while doing a little dance, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J. . .Q. . .elemenopee, uh, W. . .F. . .help me Draco. . .Z. . ."  
  
Ron decided to take a new class called Witches: Discerning The Female Species.  
  
Dumbledore was dancing in a line dance while singing "Do You Know The Muffin Man." He didn't know this, but he was the only one in the line, which provided an odd spectacle for those attempting to speak with him.  
  
"Headmaster," said Trelawney, "Are you knowledgeable in the ways of mathematics?" No answer, "Because I should very much like to know the average weight of a llama divided by the number of carbons in a glucose molecule minus the number of students in this school multiplied by negative pi!"  
  
"Ah, yes. It is 705.93333333," said Dumbledore.  
  
Trelawney just stared at him.  
  
"What?" he asked, still dancing, "Is something the matter, Professor?"  
  
"That's not humanly possible!" she sputtered, looking flabbergasted and waving her arms in circles.  
  
"Of course it is!" said the OLD man, "If the unit of measurement is inches/100, then it is quite plausible. . .unless you've seen Dogma, then you may have some doubts."  
  
"Ahhh!" Trelawney said excitedly, "Methinks I understand. Now excuse me, I must go find. . .ahem, good bye!"  
  
"It's funny how many people have been asking me that exact equation. . ." the old man thought to himself, "And then they run off so quickly. . .hmm. . .I seem to recognize it somewhere. . .I must be going senile. Oh well! WEEEEEE! If you're happy and you know it clap your feet! CLAP CLAP!"  
  
Then Eleanor the Fish came walking through the hall. Ron was right behind her spinning wildly in circles, looking terrified, and saying "Who's there? Who's there? I hear voices, but I can't see anyone! Who's there? HEEELP! Show yourself, fiend! Are you friend or foe?"  
  
Voldemort was attempting communication with the Confused Mongolian Dudes.  
  
"Where is Harry Potter? Parlez vous frances? Ihr Elf hat meine socke in seinem linken ohr!" he tried, but they only stared at him. Blue sparkly question marks appeared above their heads. (French: "Do you speak French?" German: "Your elf has my sock in his left ear!")  
  
"Dove è voi orsi gommosi?!" he shouted (Italian: "Where is he you gummy bears?!"), "Sie launen! Charla a mi!" (German: "You freaks!" Spanish: "Talk to me!")  
  
"Hey Voldemort!" said Fred, who had been listening to this conversation, "You're a polyglot!"  
  
"Você ousa insulta-me?" said Voldemort, enraged.  
  
"It's not an insult!" said Fred, who could suddenly understand Portuguese, "Significa che potete parlare molte lingue! (Italian: "It means you can speak many languages!")  
  
"épuisez-vous!" said Voldemort. (French: "Poop you!")  
  
"Polyglot, polyglot, polyglot!" sang Fred, "I love that word!"  
  
They began to leap about the school hand-in-hand singing "polyglot" to the tune of "Camelot." Yay.  
  
A/N: I didn't like this chapter particularly, but I hope you did! Sorry if the stuff in different languages is wrong. I'm not much of a polyglot. REVIEW!!!!! 


	14. Harry's Father Was Half Cactus

Pick a day, any day of the year. On that day Ginny felt that the atmosphere was not as it should be. In retaliation, she bought a gong on the black market. It was tough to do, but by consorting with several of Voldemort's followers and a few HG/SS shippers, she managed to come by one.  
  
She then marched through the hallway very seriously, holding the gong and a mallet.  
  
"BONNNNNNNNNNNNGNGNGNGNGNG," said the gong angrily every time she abused it with the mallet.  
  
Then the author took a pause to laugh at her classmates' sincere and feeble attempts at poetry in the annual literary magazine. Então o autor fêz exame de uma pausa para rir de seus classmates' sincere e de tentativas na poesia no compartimento literário annual. Ha, ha.  
  
"BONNNNNNNNNG! BOOOOOOOOOONNNG! BONGGGGGGGGG! GONNNNNNG!!!!!!!!! AGONG-BONG-MONG-SHMONNNNNNNNNG!" it said in a subdued manner.  
  
Harry was having trouble seeing because a colony of termites named either Cleopatra or Beau refused to get off his head, but that was okay.  
  
"At least I'm not a mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third!" he said to himself very contently, "Right?" he asked Professor Flitwick.  
  
"Hey!" said the Proffessor, "Don't talk about ma bro', yo!"  
  
Then Harry had to go to the Hospital Wing. He was hearing Cher in his head. Lord save the poor child.  
  
Fred, meanwhile, had nothing to do except watch his brother go through a teenage drama while eating blueberry flavored bananas.  
  
"I love her!" said George, "But I can't get up the courage to say so! Oh, what do I do, what do I DO?"  
  
"Who do you love?" Fred questioned.  
  
"Why, Winky, of course! Who else?" he said flamboyantly before sinking into the floor Wicked-Witch-of-the-West style, "I'm meeeeelting! MEEEEEELTING! Oh, you were such a nice little girl! I'm MEEEELTING!"  
  
Then the room was full of odd, over-large squirrels holding spears, "ALL HAIL DOROTHY!"  
  
The orange question mark above Fred's head had swollen to great proportions, so much that it began to float away with Fred attached to it. While in the sky, he saw several familiar people. The first was Mad Eye Moody with a peg leg and a pirate hat. He was in a floating ship and that famous pirate song could be heard in the background played by oboes (Da-da- dum bum bum ba-da da-da da-da dum!). He also saw McGonagall floating upside-down, inspecting her feet carefully. Then he noticed Cho Chang. She was crying, floating, and holding a duck above her head all at the same time.  
  
"Quack!" said the duck harmoniously. Then it flew out of Cho's hands and straight into Fred's orange question mark. It was a near-sighted duck, the poor thing.  
  
Its beak popped the question mark and Fred fell doooooown into the deep, dark depths of the lake. The mermaids brought him to the surface, while singing "Bippity Boppity Boo" (from Cinderella). He was very grateful.  
  
"Blub glub! Blubble blubby-glub plup!" he said in Mermishese.  
  
"Blubby-gluppy blup bloop," they sang in unison on the chord of D major.  
  
"Glupubble blub. Plump!" said Fred.  
  
"Hey! He just called us plump! ATTAAAAAAAACK!" yelled one merperson.  
  
Nobody except me knows what will happen to the poor boy. And I'm not telling. Ha ha!  
  
Da-da dum bum bum da-da da-da da-da dum!  
  
". . .And therefore," said Dumbledore to Harry, who was in the hospital wing, "You photosynthesize just like plants do!"  
  
"You're telling me my Dad was half cactus from the Chihuahuan Desert?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yes, which technically means you have crassulacean acid metabolism and therefore you take in Carbon Dioxide during the night and photosynthesize during the day. . .Have you ever had trouble exhaling during the night?" the OLD man asked, genuinely interested.  
  
Harry stared at him incredulously for a moment and said, "What else haven't you told me about myself and my parents?"  
  
"No, no Harry! Only one interesting fact about yourself per year! Well. . .I suppose just this once, I should tell you the entire truth," he paused dramatically, to build the readers suspense, "Your name is really Henrietta Harriet Johan Sebastian Bach Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Pyotr Il'yich Tchaikovsky George Gershwin Riddle Slytherin Hufflepuff Ravenclaw James Evans Potter the Fifth."  
  
"You mean I'm NOT the heir of Gryffindor?" Harry asked, looking like he was about to cry or pee in his pants.  
  
"No! Of course not! That would be silly!" said Dumbledore. He then continued to tell Harry all the dark secrets of his past, "You were stolen as a baby from your parents and you were fed the Food of the Dead! You are now, legally, dead," Harry's question mark was beginning to grow, "Also, you are related to Voldemort. He is your father."  
  
"Voldemort's half cactus?"  
  
"Surely he's not half orchid or tiger lily or daisy!" Dumbledore declared, "And your mother was a Russian convict from India who like to balance apples on her nose! And you have ten twin sisters named after types of cacti! And your mother is a Death Eater! So is your Aunt Petunia! And you are a polyglot! And Umbridge is your Great Uncle! And Snape is your father--!"  
  
"Wait! I thought Voldemort was. . ."  
  
"Both are! And, Harry, I am your father."  
  
Dumbledore then knocked Harry over with a wet noodle that he had been soaking in his pocket for a week.  
  
A/N-Thanks for REVIEWING!!!! Hinty-hint hint! I know the Mermishese thing separated from canon, but, if you think about it, this whole story is separated from canon, so it don't make no difference.  
  
Guess what? I HAVE A TYPEWRITER! YAAAAAY!  
  
Oh, yeah, and if you have any ideas for me, be sure to tell me! I might not use them, but I probably will because I'm running out of my sense of humor. I just had three exams in a row today. THREE! I nearly died. . . 


	15. Lucius Loses His Staff

A/N-Aladdin reference in here. If you don't get it, it's no big deal, I'll explain it afterwards.  
  
When Harry was old and gray, he gathered around him all the sons and daughters of the little Harrys and Ginnys (i.e.-his grandchildren).  
  
"I have a story to tell you," he croaked. And so he began the adventures of his life, "It was a long time ago. . .there was a large rabbit, but he looked kind of like a duck with an ear mutation. However, he forgot all about that and grew hedgehog hindquarters. Then he went to school and got a PHD in telecommunication and hieroglyphic beer bottles, which made him healthy and loud and rather inclined to giggle. So then he sat down in between a rock and a hard place and began to cry over spilled milk because that's the way the cookie crumbles. He became so forgetful that if the chickens hadn't been attacked to his neck, he would have lost the day of the week, as well as a few stitches in time. Then he saved nine in someone else's moccasins. So the moral of the story is, never cross your eyes and contract tendonitis when you are in the face of Voldemort, and don't eat the chicken before it's hatched because the early bird's second mouse gets the worm-filled cheese!"  
  
The little children stared at him. For a long time.  
  
Moving on to the actual story. . .  
  
Fred was feeling very depressed that day. He was almost tempted to write angsty poetry, but, remembering the effects of last time, he thought better of it, instead he decided to vent his troubles to Harry, who was also having a bad day.  
  
Once he had finished venting, Harry said, "Well, at least you haven't got three fathers and aren't one-fourth cactus. And your mother certainly isn't a Russian convict from India who liked to balance apples on her nose!"  
  
"Uh. . .actually she is," said Fred honestly. He then was overcome with a bout of knowledgeability and proceeded to inform everyone of their personality flaws.  
  
Harry, on the other hand, resolved to take up drinking because of his thoroughly unsatisfactory heritage.  
  
Hermione, on the other-other hand, was having trouble getting to class. The little yellow AOL guy was continually running around her in circles and it was quite annoying. She took out her spare pair of hedge cutters and chased after him, with every intention of lambasting him brutally. He was the High Speed little yellow AOL guy, however, and she could not keep up, so she went off to join the Terrorist Club.  
  
We join the Hufflepuffs in one of their Daily Satanic Rituals. This particular one featured dancing in a circle around. . .Snape, whom was in the middle of a large pinkish fire. He was knitting a sock and was utterly undisturbed by what was going on around him and he did not seem to notice the flames licking at his ears like dumb puppy doggies. As he was counting stitches, Dumbledore charged in to save him.  
  
"Severus!" he mumbled at the top of his lungs, "Get out of there! Save yourself, my friend!. . .my, what a large, green sock that is!"  
  
Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape did not notice him either and he continued to knit, stopping only once to put on pink slippers, a fluffy bathrobe, and hair curlers.  
  
Dumbledore shrugged and left in pursuit of the Ring of Power, "There is only Power," he hissed quietly, hunching over, "And those too weaK to seek it, precioussss. . ."  
  
Fred was staring at himself in the mirror. Somewhere far, far away, Voldemort cackled as only Ottoman Turks can and then did the Twist. He was doing a bad job of it so Innocent Bystanders #23-4401, 5, and 7.6 began to throw tomatoes at him with impeccable aim.  
  
He caught them in his wicker basket made of papaya leaves and made tomato soup.  
  
Meanwhile, Snape's cunningly-knit green sock was taking over the room. It had already nearly taken the lives of several Satanic Hufflepuffs and it continued to grow out the doors and down the hall. The Anti-Green Socks Association (AGSA) and the White Sock Promoters (WSP) and a few people from the For the Underprivledged Cute Kittens Society (FU. . .okay, I'm not going to finish that one. . .) were called immediately and they sent reinforcements.  
  
Then Lucius Malfoy could be seen running down the hall, clutching onto his staff. A Middle-Eastern-looking man with a goatee was chasing him.  
  
"GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF! I am Jafar, Grand Vizier of the Ottomans! The snake staff is MINE, you horrible bootlegger, you! Give it BAAAACK!" the man roared. A parrot was flying after him, wheezing and barely keeping up.  
  
"But it's so preeeeety!" Lucius yelled back.  
  
"HEY!" he yelled, "It was mine first!"  
  
Jafar continued to chase Lucius around the castle, trying to get the snake staff.  
  
"Ha ha ha!" yelled Lucius, panting for breath, "Cross country is finally coming in handy! You'll never catch meeeeee--!"  
  
He then fell into a pit in the middle of the hallway. Jafar followed him. Once they landed, a voice was heard from above. "The staff is MINE!" it said.  
  
"Who are you?" yelled Lucius and Jafar simultaneously, while wrestling for the staff.  
  
"Asclepius, the Greek God of Medicine! The staff was mine first! Now hand it up to me or face the bitter wrath of Zeus!"  
  
"NO!" they both yelled. Then Lucius used the staff to invert the pit. They all chased each other in circles.  
  
This continued for a while until Zeus came down and struck them all with neon lightning bolts, "Jesus Christ!" he yelled, "It is just a Stupid Snake Staff! Hey! Alliteration! I can alliterate! Praise the Lord of Lords!"  
  
"I love you, Harry!" said Hermione, totally ditching Ron.  
  
Harry looked slightly ill and confused for a moment and then ran in the name of apple cider away, far away, to South Korea, where he dressed as a woman and lived in constant fear of Hermione for the rest of his life. Hermione, utterly unperturbed, went back to loving Ron, as she obviously should have from the very beginning.  
  
We rejoin the three snake-staff-obsessed men. They have recovered from the lightning and are all sitting around the staff, stroking it and looking very burnt.  
  
"It's so pretty," said one. The others nodded in agreement.  
  
"And I invented it!" said Asclepius proudly.  
  
"No you didn't! I invented it!" yelled Jafar.  
  
Lucius felt very sad, as he had no claim to inventing the snake staff whatsoever as he lived several hundred years after both Asclepius and Jafar.  
  
"No!" said Asclepius, "It was obviously ME! I lived BC, you lived AD, therefore I win! HA!" He began to cackle madly, while running around with the staff. The other two chased after him.  
  
"I have A.D.D.!" said the mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third, who happened to be Flitwick brother.  
  
A/N-Jafar was the villain in Aladdin. He had a snake staff that hypnotized the sultan. Asclepius (there are many spellings of his name, I just randomly chose one) was the son of a Greek god. He excelled in medicine so much that he is sometimes considered the god of medicine, even though he was mortal. His symbol was a staff with a snake wrapped around it, which you will sometimes see as medical mascots.  
  
REVIEW, my friends, or I will NOT BE PLEASED!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!  
  
Any R-rated interpretations of the word "staff" here are SEVERELY FROWNED UPON! That was definitely NOT WHAT I MEANT! (admit it, you were thinking it!) 


	16. The Songfics Attack As Well As Some Cabb...

A/N-I sincerely apologize for this, but I simply MUST parody songfics. If you hate them (as I do. . .well most of them anyhow), then you may enjoy this. . .or you may not. I wouldn't know, as I'm not you. If you love songfics, maybe you don't want to read this either. But why don't you give it a try?  
  
And Arthur began to sing: "If I were a rich man, eidle-dee-del-deidle- deedle-deidle-deedle-deidle-dum, All day long I'd pitty-pitty-pum! If I were a wealthy man!. . ."  
  
His coworkers looked at him a little strangely and began to throw minty- smelling, pink staplers at him. Because staplers are fun.  
  
Harry entered into a psychotherapy class where he had to relive the past. Relive, and let go. . .  
  
Meanwhile, a small group of rebel cabbages had grown under the school and the stone floors of the great hall began to push upwards until, finally, they pushed through. Immediately, all the Hogwarts students broke into song (to the tune of "Savages" from Pocahontas. (What IS it with the Disney references around this place?) If you don't know it, too bad, you will get over it): Dumbledore  
What can you expect  
  
From filthy little heathens?  
  
Their whole disgusting race is like a curse  
  
Their skin's a hellish red  
  
They're only good when dead  
  
They're vermin, as I said  
  
And worse Students:  
They're cabbages! Cabbages! Dumbledore  
Barely even human Staff  
Cabbages! Cabbages! Dumbledore  
Drive them from our floor!  
  
They're not like you and me  
  
Which means they must be evil  
  
We must boil the pot of war! Sudents + Staff  
They're cabbages! Cabbages!  
  
Dirty redskin devils!  
  
Now we boil the pot of war! Cabbage Leader  
This is what we feared  
  
The wizard is a demon  
  
The only thing they feel at all is greed Cabbage That's One-Step Below The Leader  
Beneath that milky hide  
  
There's emptiness inside Cabbages  
I wonder if they even bleed  
We're cabbages! Cabbages!  
  
Quite alive and human  
  
Cabbages! Cabbages! Dumbledore  
Killers at the core McGonagall  
They're more edible than us  
  
Which means they can't be trusted Ron  
We must boil the pot of war! Cabbages  
They're savages! Savages!  
  
They are gonna eat us! All  
Then we boil the pot of war Students  
Savages! Savages! Harry  
Let's go eat a few, men! Cabbages  
Cabbages! Cabbages! Dumbledore  
Now it's up to you, men! All  
Cabbages! Cabbages!  
  
Barely even human!  
  
Now we boil the pot of war!  
  
There was much warfare and violence. One cabbage wounded Harry near- fatally (cue sappy-crappy music) Ginny runs to him and fights off a few cabbages before flinging herself on top of him.  
  
"Uh. . .Ginny?" Harry wheezed, "It's hard to breath with you on top of my chest. How'm I supposed to get enough breath support to sing this slow, sad, unimpressive, and very fitting (with a few words changed here and there) love song the Merciless Author's got undoubtedly prepared for us?"  
  
"Oh. . .sorry," she said, "Then she looked deep into his jade-emerald- forest eyes, and the passion of her second year was quickly rekindled. Unfortunately, his contact fell out and ruined the moment. Ginny refused to sing without a 20% raise, so we will go now to the eighteenth-floor boys bathroom.  
  
There Draco Malfoy sits in deep contemplation. He knows, suddenly, that he is in love with Harry. The sensation had been there for a long time (since yesterday morning when he had indigestion) but only now did he acknowledge it. (If you look closely, you will see little birds and stars and snake staffs circling his head, indicating he had very recently hit his head on a toilet seat).  
  
With that, he opened his mouth and sang with a voice as lovely as a thousand snails on a midsummer night's eve:  
  
Why Can't I? [Because I Have Asthma]  
  
By Liz Phair-or was it Fair?  
  
Get a load of me, get a load of you  
  
Walkin' down the hall, and I hardly know you  
  
It's just like we were meant to be  
  
Holding hands with you, and we're out at night  
  
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right  
  
And I've got Pansy waiting too  
  
This is, this is just the beginning  
  
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you  
  
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it  
  
So tell me  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
Isn't this the best part of breakin' up  
  
Finding someone else you can't get enough of  
  
Someone who wants to be with you too  
  
It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch  
  
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch  
  
But wouldn't it be beautiful  
  
Here we are, we're at the beginning  
  
We haven't f***** yet, but heads spinning  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you  
  
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it  
  
So tell me  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
I'd love for you to make me wonder  
  
Where it's goin'  
  
I'd love for you to pull me under  
  
Somethin's growin'  
  
for this that we can control  
  
Baby I am dyin'  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you  
  
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it  
  
So tell me  
  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
  
Then Dumbledore walked out of the nearest stall and said very loudly, "You've held hands with HARRY? Ew, ew, yucky! Yucky slash, YUCKY! And you want him to pull you. . .under? EEEEEEW! I AM, LIKE, SOOOOOO GONNA PUKE ALL OVER MY NICE ROBES!" Then he walked out very serenely, pausing every few moments to say something profound and wise, because that is what Dumbledores must do.  
  
Then Lucius Malfoy of the Large Snake Staff walked out of the second-to- closest stall.  
  
"What's this I hear about you being in love with HARRY POTTER?" he sneered (no, he did not speak a word, he just SNEERED it all), "I will not tolerate any homosexual behavior in my household, young laddy-old-chap!"  
  
"Laddy-old-chap?" asked Draco, but before he heard the answer, he entered into The State of Deep Depression. (Cue angsty music from some druggie punk rocker you've never heard of who shot themselves after they wrote and recorded the song).  
  
These songfics are giving me an allergic reaction. I must stop them now. Seriously, my hair is knotting and my pinky is spazzing out. It does that sometimes. . .  
  
BUUUURN THEM [sonfics, not pinky fingers]! BUUUUUUUUUUURN THEM!!!  
  
A/N-If you actually read this chapter I send you hugs, kisses, and a warning that parodies may corrupt your lovely little mind. I would also like to note that I am certainly losing my hilariosity (if I ever had any to begin with). Forgive me, please, and I will try to replenish it. Good day!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Fiddler on the Roof or that other song, what was it?. . . oh yeah, "Why Can't I?" by Whatsername (I actually like that song. It's catchy). I do, however, OWN POCAHONTAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. . .hehe. . .why are there strange men flying above me in circles like vultures?. . .HELP! I DON'T own Pocahontas, I DON'T, I swear it! It was just a JOKE. . . 


	17. The Postage Stamp Is Mistaken For Voldem...

A/N-Before I begin, I would like to say that "Araminta Malfoy-Potter: Taking Hogwarts By Storm" by Araminta Malfoy-Potter is about the most funny Mary-Sue you'll ever read. I'm serious, go read it (if you can stand it-I couldn't!), you'll laugh like a foghorn (even though it's not supposed to be a parody).  
  
Macabre Leprechaun Maiden: Sorry I didn't meet your standards with that last one. I didn't meet MY standards either, frankly. Also the formatting for the songs got screwed, which made it even worse. I'll try harder this time!  
  
Theaphelia: Thanks for the support, as usual!!!. . .Which reminds me:  
  
READ "HARRY POTTER MEETS: THEAPHELIA AND HER COUSINS"!!!!! It'll crack you up until you're in little pieces all over the floor. If you like my story, you'll love hers!  
  
Onwards, men [and women for you feminists. . .]. . .  
  
The camera zooms in on Harry the Handsome playing a fife and sitting on a mountain of yogurt that is in the middle of the Great Hall. He is excellent at the fife and we all wonder where he learned to play. Sadly, the moment does not last long because the goopy yogurt can't hold its mountainous shape. It begins to spread out and Harry sinks into the middle.  
  
The yogurt may suffocate him. Everyone is scared and stuff 'cause they don't want him to die and it's all suspenseful and crap. So I will leave you in your suspense for a while. . .  
  
All the Harry Potter characters in History except for Harry (because he is in an over-large pile of lemon-strawberry yogurt-did I mention it was lemon-strawberry?) all jump into a vortex. Above it there is a large sign that says: "KEEP OUT. THIS IS THE VORTEX OF UNLIKELY AND DISTURBING RELATIONSHIPS. DO NOT ENTER!" They all turned illiterate momentarily, however, (even Hermione the Reader-Girl-Thing) and did not read it.  
  
"WEEEEEEEE!" they all intoned gracefully as they were lost into a different universe. . .  
  
They stepped out and found themselves still at Hogwarts. They were disappointed at the lack of interestingness of the vortex, but went about their daily routines as usual.  
  
Then neither Malfoy nor McGonagall could be found. No one drew conclusions, however, because it was so UNLIKELY and DISTURBING.  
  
Then Hagrid and Neville were spotted holding hands in the distance by the Lake, but anyone whom saw them assumed they were seeing things and went to get their eyes checked.  
  
After that, however, things turned really crazy. Ron got together with Hagrid's Pumpkins (as he often does in this story). Lavendar went for Flitwick and Parvati went for Dumbledore, whom went for Colin Creevey, whom went for. . .himself?. . .uhhh. . .moving on!  
  
When Crookshanks was found in a closet with Trelawney and Narcissa Malfoy, they all decided maybe it was time to return back through the vortex.  
  
Sadly for you, they could not find it and several Crabbe/Filch/Ginny/Dobby dramas ensued. Snape was having trouble keeping his hands off both Myrtle and Flitwick, whom in turn were having trouble keeping off each other (Lord save us).  
  
"Save yourself!" said the Lord as Winky and Cho eyed each other. The Lord decided to get the heck out of there, but before he could leave he fell in love with Hermione, the mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third, and Fred's pet rock Shistopholoph.  
  
Now that's what I call UNLIKELY and DISTURBING.  
  
Then Mr. Extra-Who-No-One-Cares-About found the vortex in Snape's personal toilet. Everyone (except Harry, of course) jumped into the toilet and found themselves and their emotions back to normal.  
  
However, the next year there were several unexplained children running about. Including Draco's brother the half-cat and Ron's niece the House Elf and Lavendar's daughter the midget-with-a-premature-beard.  
  
Fred's nose was cold. He cured it with an odd combination of yoga and salmon omelets with parsley.  
  
Then, about a million hours later, Harry was rescued from the Lemon- Strawberry Yogurt of Doom by an ancient magic invented by Salazar Slytherin called Citrus-Fragum Yogurtus-Abigere, which was created to stop any student from drowning in lemon-strawberry yogurt.  
  
Then Harry had an inner conflict involving chicken burritos and dove droppings, but it was left unsolved because Snape was staring pensively at the wall and smelling of honey-dew melon. His skin was as soft as rose petals. . .He began to speak, and everyone listened:  
  
"Frogs can do it! Why can't I?" he exclaimed, and he proceeded to attempt to climb the wall for a disturbingly long time.  
  
Then Hermione and Legolas fell in love, against all odds, but Lego- lassy had to return to Middle Earth to do the third film. Everyone cried except you, the Wise Reader, whom went to read a worthwhile Action/Adventure/Romance or maybe an Angst/Tragedy if you need Prozac.  
  
"Hey diddle-diddle. The cat and the fiddle. The cow jumped over the moon. . ."  
  
Snape was still working at ascending the wall of the Great Hall when Hermione ran in, screaming and yelling like a chicken that had just chopped off its own head.  
  
"rUUUUUUUN! iT'S vOLDEMORTY!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!! i'TS HIM, i SWEAR! i saw HIM!!!!!"  
  
pANIC ENSUED UNTIL THE AUTHOR REMEMBER TO un-caps-lock. . .  
  
Dumbledore would've taken charge, if he could've found his cell-phone charger. Instead, Snape stopping climbing fruitlessly and began to speak with winged words.  
  
The words winged their way past everyone's ears and flew out the open windows to the Forbidden Forest, where they lived happily ever after.  
  
Snape began to look very short and rather green. The other people in the Great Hall hit him with a mallet because his winged words were useless and had left droppings all over the place. He went off to start an underground rebellion and eventually to create a The Winged-Word Zoo, which you may have heard of.  
  
". . .The little dog laughed to see such sport. And. . ."  
  
Dumbledore's hopeless bumbling in the face of danger was not helping anything, so McGonagall took control. She armed herself with sword, spear, and armor and charged through the door to the Great Hall, roaring something about dirty laundry and pythons.  
  
When she arrived, however, no one was there.  
  
"Hermione?" she called composedly, "Where is this attack you speak of?"  
  
Hermione poked her head out of the doors, shaking like a washing machine, and she pointed at the floor. McGonagall stared at her, nonplussed, but Hermione continued to point at the floor. McGonagall stared at it.  
  
Eventually, the entire school was standing around, staring at the floor.  
  
"Oh, never mind!" said Hermione, looking relieved, "It wasn't Voldemort, it was a POSTAGE STAMP!" Sure enough, there was a small little stamp on the floor. She began to laugh heartily at her mistake, but no one else was amused. They began to stare her down until she stopped laughing.  
  
"What?"  
  
They all (except Ron, because he loves her) pulled out French horns from their pockets and piled them on top of her until she couldn't move anything except her left pinky-toe.  
  
Once, everyone had left, however Ron the Rebel uncovered her. If looks could kill, Hermione would have lived forever. Awwwwwww, so sweet!  
  
". . .The dish ran away with the spoon!" Fred sang in his lovely soprano voice.  
  
A/N-Ah, nothing more therapeutic than writing a chapter of this story! I hope you enjoyed. If you did, TELL ME SO! If you didn't, TELL ME SO! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!! Deal?  
  
Thanks and a barrel of mint chocolate chip ice cream goes out to: Just Kidding Rowling, Destiny13, Sparrow's-Angel, Phoenix Archangel, Sognare, DeZot, Theaphelia, tbird09, Muskrat, DreaminGemini6192, Wicked Kiwi, Bookworm127, helma patuck, and MirroredBeauty for putting me on their lovely favorites list. Thank YOU! 


	18. Twittertwit Twittwittwitter The Yule Bal...

A/N-Responses to some reviews:  
  
devon and afireinside13: No, I'm not on anything, I swear!  
  
Theaphelia: Yes, the Y was intentional.  
  
Twitty-twitter twit twitter twitter twit-twit. ("Anything in the language of Twitter will be translated in parentheses")  
  
Story time:  
  
McGonagall walked into her classroom. All the students were already seated, as they usually are in the movies.  
  
"Settle down, little chickens!" she said, "I have an announcement to make! There will be a second Yule Ball this year to celebrate. . .er. . .OTHER YULE BALLS!. . .yeah, so dress up nice. It'll be NEXT WEEK! It is imperative that you have a date or two. Without one you will not be allowed in! Any questions?"  
  
Draco raised his hand, "Will you go to the Ball with me, Professor?"  
  
The entire class took garbage cans out of their pockets and puked out their breakfast, lunch, the dinner from the night before, and the dinner they hadn't had yet.  
  
"NEVER!" she cried passionately, "Any other questions? No? Okay, class dismissed!"  
  
"But Professor!" said Hermione, "We haven't had our lesson yet!"  
  
McGonagall began to look very reptilian, "Hermione, Hermione," she chided wisely, "No real quality fan fic has classes for anything besides important plot points and nightmarish rubber chickens named Crispy."  
  
"But Professor-"  
  
McGonagall snapped her fingers and five Irish and two Thai mafia men jumped out from behind the desks and apprehended the young girl. They had her bound, gagged, and locked in a broom cupboard (which are very cliché. Why can't it be a MOP cupboard, or a MOOSE cupboard) in less than 3.781 seconds.  
  
McGonagall nodded her approval and they ran off to hide behind things like armor and cheese cubes.  
  
All the girls in the school began to twitter because of the upcoming ball, even Hermione (whom had been magically unlocked from the cupboard).  
  
"Hi, Hermione!" said Ron.  
  
"Twitter. Twitter-twitter?" was all she said in response. ("Hello. What's up?")  
  
"Will you go to the ball with me?" he asked.  
  
"Twitter! Twit-twit-twitter twit! Twitter!" she said happily. ("Of course! I'll have to find something to wear! I'm so happy!")  
  
"Is that a yes?"  
  
"Twitter! Twit!" she cried enthusiastically, "Twit-twitter twi- twitter twit twitter!" ("Yes!")  
  
"Er. . .what?" he said, "I can't understand you."  
  
"Twit," she said. ("Oh! Well, that's okay if we have several communication problems. It doesn't bother me and I hope it won't bother you! When you see me in my red strapless dress, I bet you wont care. Or maybe I should wear the white dress robes. What do you think? Will Ginny be wearing white? I don't want to out do her. That would be mean to your little sister. Did you know that in C++ programming the C compiler translates source into assembly code. The source code is received from the preprocessor. I'm reading a book on it. Isn't that nice?")  
  
"Uh. . .okay. So I'll see you there then?" he asked tentatively.  
  
She nodded. Finally something comprehensible.  
  
"Did she say yes?" Harry asked once Ron came back to the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
"I think so. . .She seemed really happy about it, but she kept calling me a twit. . ." he said. Then he took a nap on a sofa.  
  
Harry had a conquest of his own. He walked into the Great Hall with all the materials. He worked all night and day at his project. When he was done, he hung it up on the wall and stood under it.  
  
"Twit-twitter?" said one girl to another. ("What's Harry Potter doing?")  
  
"Twitter-twit. Twitter-twitty-twit 'twit twitter twit twitty'." said the other. ("How strange. He's standing under a sign that says 'Want to go to the ball with me? I'll go with the highest bidder.'")  
  
When Draco Malfoy bid fifty galleons, Harry changed his mind and burned the sign. Malfoy developed an eyebrow twitch from sadness and anger, but eventually came up with a plan to blackmail Harry into going with him.  
  
He read his secret copies of the five Harry Potter books and discovered Harry's deep dark secret about having a shopping addiction.  
  
"Harry!" he spat, once he had The Boy Who Lived cornered in a dark. . .corner, "I know something about you that you don't want me to know!"  
  
"Okay!" said Harry, "I'll go to the dance with you, then!"  
  
'That was easy!' thought Draco, looking very mollusk-like.  
  
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzjjj======7" said Isabelle the Cat as she walked across my keyboard.  
  
Snape also had a mission. He dressed up in his best robes and oiled his hair. Then he spake to his mirror in his best Syrian accent.  
  
"Will you go to the ball with me?" he said. His skin was as soft as rose petals. Feeling satisfied with himself, he left in pursuit of. . .[short-term cliffie for those who want to push the "back" button already]  
  
"Twitter twitter! Twitter rettiwt! !wit twit twit-twit ter! Twitter!"  
  
The Gryffindor girls were getting ready for the Ball. Parvati was dressed in neon orange robes with magnificent fringey things all along the edges. Lavendar had gone for a more polka-dotted pink-and-elephant theme. Alina (the Gryffindor girl in Harry's year who has never been mentioned before) decided to shave her head in protest of her ill treatment in the first five books.  
  
Hermione was radiant. Her hair was in shimmering curly-cues all down her back. They looked like golden-brown curly fries. She wore only a diamond necklace of rubies and emeralds and a loincloth made of the finest silk from Asia Minor.  
  
When it was time for the ball to start, all the couples met in the Entrance Hall. Hermione and Ron were looking very happy together. Draco and Harry were in a loving fistfight. Snape and [haha, I'm not telling] were also looking very reptilian. Snape's skin was as soft as rose petals. . .ahem. . .yes, so the ball began.  
  
They entered the Great Hall. It wasn't decorated at all. Flitwick was very small. They all were having a ball. Something crashed into a wall. They were at the Yule Ball. It was winter, not fall. Don't forget to call! The music began to crawl. . .  
  
The first song was a slow one and not many people were dancing. They were all too wrapped up in the brassiere flying around the ceiling. Ellipses and question marks could be found in the speech bubbles above everyone's head.  
  
Draco and Harry and Ginny began to dance ring-around-the-rosy style. They all fell down.  
  
"Will you dance with me?" said the wall to Snape.  
  
"[censored for suspense reasons]?" said Snape, "The wall is. . .talking to me."  
  
"Cytokinesis," Snape's date said in a Sri Lankan accent.  
  
Then Hermione saw Ron dancing close with Voldemort.  
  
"You bi-"  
  
THIS SHOW HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED FOR AN EMERGENCY WEATHER UPDATE!  
  
The snow is still coming down faster than ever. We don't recommend leaving your house because the roads are bad and there have been two fatalities-"  
  
FINIS  
  
A/N-This is not one of my favorite chapters. It's more coherent than most, which is VERY BAD. Hope you enjoyed!  
  
Please, please, PLEASE REVIEW! Us fanfiction writers don't get paid for entertaining you. Our only pay is REVIEWS and it makes us REALLY HAPPY when we get them. It'll take five seconds to click the little blue button and type up a few words. I'd REALLY APPRECIATE it!  
  
If you're getting snow, I hope you're enjoying it!  
  
JuicyJuice: (to the wall) Now I'm having even worse troubles! My head has been gone for three whole days and this odd bubble keeps following me around. I have a lynch mob of mini-computer programmers after me and I'm wearing a cat on my head. The voices in my head keep telephoning me from Croatia. What do I DO?  
  
Wall: (in a deep voice) FLOAT TO THE MESOSPHERE!  
  
JuicyJuice: Okay! 


	19. Snape Is Allergic To Ingested Weasleys

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for my actions and will not speak without my lawyer in any language other than WICHÍ LHAMTÉS GÜISNAY. So there.  
  
"Snape, what are you doing?" asked Fred.  
  
"That's Mister-Professor Snape to you, muskrat!" Snape said, acting very much like an old grump.  
  
"Are you. . .knitting?" the red head asked tentatively.  
  
"No," said Snape (whose skin was as soft as rose petals), "I am. . .PEARLING! CAN'T ANYONE TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNITTING AND PEARLING?!!! AHHHHH!" Then he bit Fred's head off. Quite literally.  
  
"Something," said Harry, "Is terribly wrong."  
  
"I agree," said the rock in Harry's shoe.  
  
"Yes indeed!" said Blaise Zabini. And they all went to Tunisia to discover the square route of pi.  
  
"So tell me, Ron," said Hermione, "If Pipe A can fill a tank in 14 hours, and pipe B can fill the same tank in 20 hours, how long will it take for them to fill it together?"  
  
Ron fainted.  
  
"So tell me, Mr. Wall," said Hermione, "If You were going down the side of the Grand Canyon at 156 miles per hour in an inflatable canoe, then how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?"  
  
"None!" cried the wall, after scratching many complicating figures into its belly, "Because bears don't eat light bulbs!"  
  
"Wrong!" said Hermione triumphantly, "The answer is negative three!"  
  
"Por que?" asked the wall.  
  
"Because of the velocity of a watermelon-to-mouth ratio, of course!"  
  
"Heh!" said the wall, "You forgot about Avogadro's hypothesis of gas!"  
  
". . .Oh. . ."  
  
Meanwhile, Ron had recovered from his faint and was trying to impress Lisa Turpin.  
  
"Want to see something funny?" he asked.  
  
"No," she said seductively.  
  
They went up to Goyle.  
  
"Hey Crabbe!" said Ron, "What's 2 + 2?"  
  
"Four," was the grunted answer.  
  
Ron stared at him for several years. Lisa Turpin grew a beard.  
  
". . .Uh. . .What's 7 x 8? Huh? Huh? Try THAT you great dummy!"  
  
"Fifty-six. Grunt grunt grunty-grunt," said Goyle, "And my name is Goyle, not Crabbe."  
  
Ron developed a hippo's hernia in frustration. Lisa Turpin walked away.  
  
"HeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeElLlLlP!" yelled Snape, "I'm AlLeRgIc To WeAsLeYs!" His skin was as soft as rose petals.  
  
"No your not!" yelled Ron, "You've been around all of us and never once did you have a reaction!"  
  
"No, YoU DoN't UnDeRsTaNd!" said Snape, "I'm AlLeRgIc To InGeStInG wEaSlEyS! I gO dEaF aNd SpEaK iN tHiS tHoUrOuGhLy iRrItAtInG wAy!"  
  
"You ate my kin!" yelled Ron, "ATTAAAAAAAAAACK!"  
  
After a very gruesome scene involving the Heimlich maneuver and Fred's head rolling around on the floor, Fred walked in. Or rather crashed in. He was looking very magnetic and rather headless.  
  
They reattached his lovely little head, but Snape continued to have a hearing impairment (the speech impediment went away, to the great joy of The Author).  
  
"Maybe you should knit. . .er, pearl me a sweater for my inconvenience," said Fred to Snape.  
  
"What about Tylenol?" asked Snape, "Tylenol and. . .beavers, did you say?"  
  
"Can you hear me?" asked Fred.  
  
"Beer? Where?" asked Snape, swinging his head around violently.  
  
"Oh, forget it!" said Fred, and he walked away, doing the Mashed Potato and the Twist, combined.  
  
"Snape!" called Dumbledore, "I must talk to you! It is urgent!"  
  
"Muskrats? Bombing the school? RUUUUUUUN!" And the poor Professor ran and ran until he was stopped by a tree, whom convinced him to join the circus.  
  
Meanwhile, the entire Harry Potterish cast (except Snapeish) was in the Great-Super-Di-Duper-ish Hallish. They were feasting on gruel. Voldemort stood up.  
  
"Please, sir," he said to Dumbledore the Great, "May I have some more?"  
  
Dumbledore the Terrible roared. Voldie-moldie-shmoldie-poldie took that as a no. . .Speaking of Voldie, The Author has a question: Is Voldemort bald or what? I can't remember if JK ever mentions his hair. . .  
  
Then the mini-people from the planet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ invaded. Their hair was blue and their hands were green and they went to sea in a sieve!. . .uh. . .Yeah, so they came in through the ceiling and squirted everyone with their yogurt guns.  
  
"Mm! Lemon-strawberry!" cried Dumbledore the Keeper of Mice.  
  
"Psst!" said Hermy-own to so-and-so, "Do you know who Professor Snape (pronounced SN-ah-P-eh) went to the ball with?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Pepe!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"You know, Pepe!" she said, "Don't you?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"PEPE!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
Hermione was getting frustrated, "Pepe! You know Pepe, aka Moaning Myrtle, of course!"  
  
"Who?" said Hedwig, who then flew away to drink some gin.  
  
She ate some cheesy snacks.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry and Draco were creeping into Snape's private stores.  
  
"Do you think Snape will mind?" said Harry.  
  
"Of course he won't! Unless he finds out, in which case he'll kill us," said Draco Peony Malfoyish.  
  
"That's relieving!" said Harry, "So, why are we in here anyway? And don't we hate each other?"  
  
Dracoish began to babble about the Dong and the Jumbly People and a luminous nose.  
  
So they stole some ingredients and perfected the sex-change potion, like two very happy goldfish with eyes.  
  
Snape's skin was as green and soft as rose petals.  
  
A/N-I hope you liked this as much as the others! The first person to tell me where the Dong and the Jumbly people came from will get a short cameo in the next chapter! Same for anyone who can tell me in what country the language WICHÍ LHAMTÉS GÜISNAY comes from (yes, it is a language).  
  
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! REVIEW OR THE JUMBLIES WILL COME AFTER YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Correction Added 12/16/03: IN RESPONSE TO CERTAIN STORIES BEING TAKEN OFFLINE FOR THIS OFFENSE, NO ONE WILL BE ADDED INTO MY STORY. FF.NET HAS REGULATIONS AGAINST IT. SORRY! I LOVE YOU ALL! 


	20. The Ox And Lamb Have Nothing To Do With ...

A/N-Ahem, ahem, hem-hem: Kinsey (aka--Bookworm + some numbers) was the SMART one who realized that WICHÍ LHAMTÉS GÜISNAY is found in Argentina. Much applause and a short cameo is necessary. Oh yes, and I decided your last name is Pantyhose. Enjoy!  
  
A/N-- CORRECTION AS OF 12/16/03-I WILL NOT BE ADDING ANYONE TO THE STORY IN RESPONSE TO FF.NET MANDATES, ETC. ETC. Kinsey's name is now Kidney Pantyhose, which means it is NOT her anymore, therefore I am breaking NO rules (officer, I swear!). . .  
  
And then Hermione and Ron fell deeply in love. Harry cried. Now he had no friends to play with.  
  
"I'll be your friend, Harryish," said several extras who wanted a moment to shine.  
  
"Do not come near me, mortals!" cried Harry, "I am off on my valiant, noble, and oh-so-lovely steed on a quest! A quest to find my inner self!. . .or a Mary Sue, either one works for me!"  
  
The orange question marks above the extras' heads were swelling to the size of hippopotamus' with rabbit teeth. They floated up to the ceiling, and there they stayed for all eternity.  
  
"Oh great."  
  
Meanwhile, Harry rode around in circles on his donkey named Otorhinolaryngologic-Diseases-With-A-Fringe (known as Odd-Waffle-With-Bangs for short).  
  
"We must fly! To the ends of the Earth in search of her!" he cried, but they continued to go round in circles for quite some time.  
  
"Professor?" said Kidney, quivering slightly, "I n-need help with the assignment. . ."  
  
Snapeish turned around ferociously and chewed on his ham sandwich with frightful anger, "You will call me. . .Mr. Oink-Knickers when you address me, Miss Pantyhose. None of this Professor nonsense that you get away with the other teachers! Do you hear me?"  
  
Kidney nodded, "Yes, Mr. Oink-Knickers."  
  
"Well that's good, because I can't hear myself." Then he sighed and intoned wisely, "Pantyhose, if you only learn one thing from me all year, learn this: Never ingest the head of a Weasley."  
  
"Yes Mr.-Mr. Oink-Mr. Oink Knickers-Oh ****, I quit! How is anyone supposed to keep a straight face doing this?" She stormed off screen angrily. Mr. Oink-Knickers grew a long neck and ran after her like a goose, nipping at her heels.  
  
While she was running away from Mr. Oink-Knickers, Kidney ran right into Harry's donkey. This caused Harry to tumble off.  
  
"Are you okay?" she asked, out of breath. Luckily, Mr. Oink-Knickers had been distracted by a gnat's brassiere and had given up the chase. Kinsey helped Harry up.  
  
"Are you my mother?" was the first thing Harry said. (Now you must understand that Kidney has darkish blondish hair and brownish-greenish eyes and does not look at all like Lily the Keeper of Aspirin).  
  
She hit him over the head with a sausage and left him there, next to Odd-Waffle-With-Bangs, "Are you a Mary-Sue?" he called eagerly, "No, wait! Mary-Sue! Come BAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKACKACKACKACK!!"  
  
She was hearing voices in her head, however, and she did not hear him. They were pretty voices. . .  
  
"Oh, little mice!" cried Dumbledore, "Where are YOUUUUUUU?"  
  
And then Ronaldo of the Grassland Fugue in Red became a pyromaniac. . .no, not a pyro a nymph-no, A KLEPTOMANIAC!  
  
"Hmm," said Eleanor Branstone, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthodontist!"  
  
"I HAVE IT!" Ron cackled softly to himself.  
  
"Hmm," said Fitzwilliam Darcy, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthodontist."  
  
"I HAVE IT!"  
  
"Hmm," said Artemis Fowlish, "I can't find my schizophrenic orthadontist!"  
  
"I HAVE IT!"  
  
"Hmm," said Frederick Wealseyish, "I can't find my SMELL IN THE TRASH!" He began to do a dance involving waving around a top hat and lambasting people with a cane, while maintaining an enormous grin.  
  
Eleanor, Fitzwilliam, and Artemis sacrificed Fred monk-style for not following the Pattern of Patterns. They then went to look for their schizophrenic orthodontists.  
  
"I HAVE IT!" yelled Ron, hearing the word schizophrenic orthodontist.  
  
"No, Ron," said Fitzwilliam Darcy, "Fred ruined it. The Pattern of Patterns is gone now. He killed it. There's no need to say anything after 'schizophrenic orthodontist' anymo-"  
  
"I HAVE IT!"  
  
Fitzwilliam hit him over the red head with Kidney Pantyhose.  
  
"Hey lookie!" said Ronnie, "A Mary-Sue! Has Harry, Draco, or Mr. Oink-Knickers claimed you yet, or are you still free for the taking?"  
  
"I AM NO MARY SUE!" she cried emphatically, "AND I AM NOT FREE FOR THE TAKING!" She began to sing "I Will Survive" or some other feminist song, but Ron interrupted her.  
  
"Heh," said Ron, "Let's put you on the Mary-Sue-O-Meter, then and see how you measure up!"  
  
"I refuse to be measured without the presence of my. . .TURTLEISH LAWYER!"  
  
"I have a gnat," said Snape. . .er. . .Mr. Oink-Knickers, "He/she has a hat. I look like a bat. My skin is as soft as rose petals."  
  
The hermaphrodite gnat went off in search of Beethoven the mouse-rat transvestite.  
  
'In the name of Sir Snow Globe, get me OUT of here. . .' thought Kidney desperately.  
  
"I have a hermaphrodite second cousin," said Hermione, "His name-uh, her name-well. . .Oh never mind!" she stormed off, reminding us very much of a dead president.  
  
The extra's question marks popped and they fell dooooooown to the ground. Orange question-mark goo splattered all over everywhere. Filch developed a jealousy complex.  
  
"Why couldn't I be a goldfish? All nice and happy! Swimming, swimming and la-di-da, with nothing to do but crash into glass walls. . ." he sobbed to himself as the bottle of Mrs. So-And-So's (Mrs. Thimble or Steward or Skittle or something) Magical, All-Purpose Stain Remover was devoured by the Goo and washed down with soapy water.  
  
Then Harry took a wrong turn on the way to the loo/toilet/potty/bathroom/restroom. He found himself in a strange room with lots of blinky lights and odd measurement tools. He stepped onto an odd platform.  
  
A mechanical voice said, "You are approximately 108 % Mary-Sue. Have a nice day!"  
  
"What? But I'm totally a canon character! What is this? Sabotage?!"  
  
"Hah!" cried the machine electronically, "Then why are your nails painted purplish?"  
  
Harry began to have a mature fit involving lots of screaming and kicking random fluffy ducks.  
  
Quack.  
  
Quack.  
  
Quack.  
  
"Curse you, heathen!" yelled the Slytherin duckists, "You are a fiend who must BURN!"  
  
They fed him to the whales.  
  
Then the Author curled up in fetal position and rocked back and forth, "I don't like whales," she murmured, "They have big heads and tails and fins and spouts and noses and tongues and hairy teeth. . .help. . ."  
  
She had a spasm of fear and was forced to discontinue the story. Her sister Fridolpha concluded it:  
  
"Yes I have always liked your triangles and left right seven fingered Santa Clauses with large beards and red hairy brains with yuckied muckied grumbles and Madonna doesn't like you much because she forgot the name of the feminist from the eighteen hundreds whom wrote that book and the hens jumped because the bullet didn't like me," everyone said jollily. Jollily. Jollily. I have just died and left all my possessions to a penguin. The end.  
  
Schizophrenic orthodontist.  
  
"I HAVE IT!!!!"  
  
A/N-Happy 20th chapter anniversary! As a gift, leave a NICE LONG REVIEW!!!! Thanks for reading!  
  
Fitzwilliam Darcy is from "Pride and Prejudice" (one of the best books ever). Yes, I do have a whale phobia. I'm terrified to death of the things. I get the shivers just thinking about them. . .  
  
Theaphelia: Yes, I stole the Kinsey/Turtle thing. Hope you don't care!  
  
Want to know something funny? You can no longer have separate chapters as Authors Notes. So be warned that FF.Net will start enforcing this rule really soon, so if you have any chapters like that in your stories, you'd better change them! It's kind of ridiculous, but oh well.  
  
Happy Birthday! 


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